I went to the stunning Buffalo
triumph over the dastardly Panthers last Sunday, and today I spent three hours
at a birthday party for James’ friend Alexa. After both events I was tired,
hoarse, and a little over-full of junk food. Here are some other things that
happened at both events:
Keeping unbalanced
people from crashing into you, other people, and furniture
At the birthday party, it was about fifteen toddlers who
were running as fast as they could and screaming. Oftentimes they would not
look where they were running and stumble over stray toys or other toddlers. (It
was hard even for the adults to move anywhere without stepping on one.)
At the game, it was a procession of drunk people who swayed
unsteadily and then crashed into you awkwardly, thereby giving you an intimate
idea of their personal odor as they either processed out of the aisles towards
the bathroom or back into the seats holding even more beer.
Loud denunciation of
authority figures
At the birthday party each toddler felt obliged to assert to
his or her own parents that they were in NO WAY going to do whatever it was
that that particular parent had asked them to do, unless the parent had
requested that they stop doing something, in which case the toddler would
should that they absolutely WOULD continue to do that thing.
At the football game the fans in our section kept up a
steady stream of advice to and criticism of the coaching staff, informing them
in the most colorful language that they ought to be calling more passes than
runs, unless there were consecutive incompletions, in which case they would wonder
in amazement why the coach didn’t just “run the expletive ball.”
Odors
At the birthday party, it was unmistakable aroma of soiled
diapers, though there was no way to tell from which particular child it might
be emanating. At first the parents attempted to corral their own children long
enough to check their backsides, but a general surrender to mob rule was made
about halfway through the party.
At the football game, it was a mix of beer, nacho cheese,
and a long phalanx of porta-johns outside the parking lot. Woe betide the poor
souls who waited in line for their use—I don’t see any way in which the
aftermath of their usage didn’t require the burning of clothes and a chemical
shower.
Merchandising
At the birthday party Curious George was the unchallenged
sponsor of the day. He appeared on the plates, the napkins, the favors, and the
tablecloth. The birthday girl herself wore a Curious George outfit, and his
dominance of the day was shared only with Barbie and Dora. He inspired great
reverence, even among the three-foot savages.
At the football game the charging buffalo (and the throwback
standing buffalo) were sponsored by a number of companies, including Tim
Hortons, Subway, Carruba Collision, and the-attorneys-who-shall-not-be-named.
Above all, the Bills logo inspired great reverence, even among the six-foot
savages.
Overbold assurance of
future success
At the birthday party each child who was not granted
immediate access to his or desired toy made their case to the nearest adult
that whoever was using the desired toy was not doing it right, or that they
could do it much better. There was no shortage of self-praise.
At the game the phrase “15-1, baby!” was heard multiple
times while exiting the parking lot.
Removal of unwanted
clothing
At the birthday party the young ladies made numerous
wardrobe changes and more than one young man shed a sweater or shoe without
looking ever looking back toward it.
At the game I turned to Pax as I saw a shirtless man being
escorted out by security and said “Looks like that guy’s getting kicked out.”
And he said “I don’t think that’s a guy…”
Haphazard disposal of
waste
At the party—which was hosted at the impeccably clean home
of our friends, the Hamways—there were used napkins and plates strewn
everywhere, pizza crusts and strawberry stems lying in the driveway, balls of
every size lying in the yard, toys cars turned on their sides and entire diaper
bags overturned.
At the game there were empty beer bottles, cans, and cups
everywhere one looked, smushed slices of dropped pizza, confettied programs,
human refuse that might have been vomit, and human refuse that might have been
even worse.
Unwieldy traffic
At the game there were tens of thousands of vehicles piling
into six main parking lots and hundreds of unofficial parking spaces. There
were ambulances, mounted police, busses, golf carts, and pedestrian traffic
pouring through the streets.
At the party there were two toy cars, two trikes, a toy
slide, and a ball pit. There was no mercy.
Group singing
At the game, there was the famous Shout! song whenever the
Bills kicked a field goal or scored a touchdown, followed of course by Sweet
Caroline at the close of the game.
At the party, there was Happy Birthday, the solemnity of
which was somewhat offset by our practice of singing it every time we read Curious George and the Birthday Surprise—therefore,
nearly a dozen times a day.
A moment of inexpressible joy leading to the wild embrace of
total strangers
At the Bills game, there was an improbable defensive stop
with less than two minutes to play, then a masterfully engineered 80 yard drive
with no timeouts by a rookie quarterback in his second game that nearly ended
in a disaster but was resuscitated by a pass interference penalty, culminating
in a scramble to the 3 yard line and a game winning touchdown pass to Stevie
Johnson with just six seconds left! Then ensued wild applause, the hugging of
strangers, and chanting of the quarterback’s name.
At the party there was a cake
with a picture of Curious George on it!
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