Sideways Stories from Wayside Homeschool--Felix

 Felix was in Kindergarten. He had the biggest head out of anyone in his house, including his parents. This was important, because in addition to being in Kindergarten Felix was the Grownup Teacher. It was Mother and Father's job to teach Felix about the letters and numbers, and how to read them. It was Felix's job to teach the grownups about all of the things that they didn't know.

Before Felix had been born, it had James and Owen's job to teach Mother and Father about how a child's house ought to be run, but Felix thought they hadn't done a very good job. They had been too easy on Mother and Father, and he was constantly having to correct some of the bad habits that they had slipped into. 

For example, Mother and Father were very confused about what constituted edible food. Sometimes they would get all muddled up and try to feed the children things that were barely even food--things like fungus, or squash, or eggplant. It wasn't their fault. Mother and Father were both very tired all the time, and Felix knew that they probably had just forgotten about good and wholesome foods like waffles, nutella, and ice cream cones. Felix reminded them.

Mother and Father were also always getting confused about how they were supposed to help the children in school. Father would tell the children to read books for 20 minutes, but it wouldn't even be five minutes later that he would come into the library and get all upset because he found Owen and Felix reading Spiderman comic books. He didn't even seem to realize that he'd asked them to read, but would ramble on about nonsense like "homework" and "essays." Felix sometimes worried that Father was being too silly, especially when he used nonsense words like "adverb."

Felix also had to teach Mother and Father a great deal about chores. Sometimes Mother and Father would get confused about who was supposed to clean up the dinner table or put laundry away. They didn't remember that they were the only tall people in the family, so they were supposed to do these things. Instead, they would ask James or Owen or Felix to do them. Felix was polite and didn't criticize Father's bad memory in front of the other students, but just waited until Father forgot all about "chores and responsibilities" and just cleaned up the dinner table himself.

Felix also had to remind Father about bedtime every night. Father would often say, in the very middle of the day when no one was tired, that it was time for bed. It never actually WAS bedtime...it was always actually the middle of a football game or of a matchbox car race or of drumming time, but Father mixed up easily.

Once James read a book about people who got confused while climbing high mountains because there wasn't enough oxygen way high up in the skies. Felix thought that Father and Mother probably got confused from oxygen deprivation because they were too tall. But, on the other hand, no one else was tall enough to drive a car yet, so it was good that Father and Mother were still around. Still, neither of them drove the car very well. They were both so slow that they got passed by other cars all the time. If Felix was tall enough to drive the car, he would win every race to the grocery store.

Felix was a good teacher, and he often lay awake at night thinking of what he might teach Mother and Father the next day. Oftentimes he would call to Mother or Father in the middle of the night over and over again until one of them came into his room. He wanted to make sure that his students were both okay and not too scared, and it was good to check in on them.

Sometimes teaching Mother and Father was frustrating. They never seemed to remember that each of their boys would like a drink on the table (and they kept the cups too high up to reach), and they had a very hard time recognizing what the perfect football field looked like. (For example, both the library and kitchen table would make excellent football playing surfaces.) They got cranky when they went too many days in a row without a nap, and sometimes they would spend hours on silly nonsense games like "work" and "income tax."

Still, Felix kept patiently at his job. He made sure that he corrected bad habits. After all, you only get one chance to raise a parent.

Sideways Stories from Wayside Homeschool--Owen

 Owen had blonde hair, freckles, and a big smile. He could make anyone laugh. He had started learning Latin this year. Father told him the Saying of the Day in Latin: "Mea culpa."

"My fault," explained Father.

"It's okay," said Owen, "I forgive you."

Father looked puzzled. Today they were learning the new vocabulary words for Lesson 6. Father explained how each word was pronounced and then had Owen decline or conjugate it. In Latin, nouns are sorted by declensions and verbs are sorted into conjugations. The lesson had more nouns than verbs, so Owen mostly declined to learn his vocabulary.

Father said that the first word of the day was culpa, culpae. Owen asked why Father said it twice. Father explained that each noun has different case endings according to its declension. He said that culpae was the form of culpa in the genitive case. Owen asked if culp-eye meant a fault in your eye, but Father said that wasn't the case.

The next vocabulary word was Maria, which meant Mary. Father had Owen list all of the case endings of Maria, but Owen stopped on the fourth one, accusatively.

Next Father tried to explain what fuga meant, but Owen ran out of the room. 

When Owen was sitting down again Father taught him the next word, which was luna. Owen declined Father's help. He already knew what luna meant from his mythology podcast, so he didn't need a teacher to moon about all of the possible derivatives he might know. Father apologized and said, "mea culpa."

Next Owen learned that unda meant wave. He asked if "undas" meant "you wave," and "undat" meant "she waves." Father explained that Owen was using personal endings, and that unda was really a noun. Owen tried not to take the disappointment personally. He felt a little underwhelmed, and waved his hand to ask for the next word.

The next word was Hispania. Hispania was 1st declension feminine noun. Owen though that if it was a feminine noun, it ought to be Herspania, but that wasn't the case either. 

By the time they reached the noun silva, Owen felt like he was lost in the woods. Learning so many new vocabulary words in a single day could make him feel cranky and sleepy.

He fought to concentrate as father taught him what pugno meant. He judged that they must be near the end when he learned judico, considering how many new words they had learned. Distraction kept seizing him as he tried to learn occupo.

Finally they were on the last word, scribo. Scribo means "I write." Father wanted to quiz Owen on conjugating personal endings before he let Owen go.

"How would you say that we, as a family, write?" 

"Scribimus!" shouted Owen

"And how would a group of very literary pelicans write?"

"Scribunt!"

"And how would a single frog write?" asked Father excitedly.

"Scribit! Scribit! Scribit!" shouted Owen.

Father wanted Owen to work on noun forms some more, but Owen declined.

Sideways Stories from Wayside Homeschool--Father

Father was the Grammar Teacher at Wayside Homeschool. He had kind brown eyes that always looked tired. Father had a terrible secret. He wished that he could tell his secret to someone, but he couldn't. Father was the only person at Wayside Homeschool who knew what an adverb was.

Father didn't want to keep this secret, really. He kept on trying to share his secret unsuccessfully. He would ask James, who is in 6th grade, what type of word might modify a verb, an adjective, or another adverb. (Father hoped that this hint within the definition itself would lead James to the right answer eventually.) James answered, "a describing verb" hesitantly. Then he asked Father to repeat the question bashfully. James was thinking about sports continuously. It was difficult for him to learn any grammar deeply, because ideas for games kept popping into his mind so vividly.

Father tried to share his secret with Owen trickily. He wrote the definition of an adverb up on the word wall boldly. Father pointed at the word wall demonstratively. The Word Wall was really just the wall to the dining room, but covered in Latin declensions, definitions of parts of speech, and number patterns completely. 

He asked Owen, pointing to the word wall expectantly, to tell him what kind of a word might tell him How, When, Where, How Often, or To What Extent. Owen was drawing eagerly. Father tried to redirect Owen to his grammar lesson, but doodling was all that Owen was interested in recently. Owen liked to draw on his homework everywhere. Even though Owen wasn't supposed to, he did it constantly. If it was up to Owen, he would have spent his school drawing entirely.

Father gave up on sharing the secret about adverbs with James and Owen eventually. He figured that he could tell his secret to Felix soon. Felix was a Kindergartner with a big head and glasses that he only wore occasionally. Father whispered to Felix quietly, "Felix, do you remember the definition of a noun?" Felix whispered back softly, "A person, place, thing, or idea." 

Father couldn't bear the secret of the adverb burning inside him hotly. He asked Felix if he wanted to know his secret conspiratorially. Felix nodded suspiciously. Father whispered gently that most words that end in "ly" are adverbs, mostly. Felix told Father that he preferred words that ended in the letters "E-L-I-X," proudly.

Yes, Father was trapped with his secret about adverbs unhappily. He bore it stoically, constantly, and everywhere, mostly.