2015 Buffalo Bills Season Preview

It's time again for long Sunday afternoons with Pax and Kylie drinking beer and eating chips, trying not to wake up the kids when an exciting play happens, and declaring in anguish that every ill-conceived run ought to have been a pass play and every ill-conceived pass play ought to have been a run. It's Buffalo Bills football time! And after my stunningly accurate predictions about how last season would go, I'm almost hesitant to publish my thoughts on the coming year. This blog will sound have the reputation of the Delphic oracle. So, without further ado, here's what will happen:

QB: Tyrod Taylor is the week one starter, but he will not start all 16 games. Either an injury (from all his exciting scrambling) or a stretch of bad play will make way for Matt Cassel. EJ will still be on the roster throughout the year and at some point there will be impassioned speeches made on WGR by someone who remembers the Carolina game from his rookie year wondering why we don't give the kid another chance.

HB: LeSean McCoy will put up 1500+ yards of total offense, but doesn't hit 1000 in rushing or receiving. He will be an endless frustration in any losing effort because of key drops in the passing game or negative-yardage runs. Fred Jackson will be among the top 5 receivers on the team, but will not have a particularly noticeable running role.

WR: Sammy Watkins party. He will comfortably lead the team in receptions, and Robert Woods will have a nice year as well. Percy Harvin will have maybe two or three exciting plays, but at the end of the season people will ask, "Why didn't we just have Marquise Goodwin do that?" Charles Clay doesn't make 50 receptions on the year, and the big contract gets criticized. He misses at least one key block that ends up getting somebody injured.

OL: Richie Incognito struggles as a run blocker and mostly stays out of trouble, but ends up in the headlines when he says something stupid that has been blown out of context. Cordy Glenn gets shuffled at some point, either to RT or inside to one of the guard spots. Greg Roman calls at least one play trying to get a touchdown pass to a lineman. Once camp cuts are made final, the Patriots will claim one of the Bills' blocking tight ends on waivers.

DL: Jerry Hughes will lead the team in penalties, and the team doesn't manage to field all of main four linemen for more than 12 games. At the final Jets game, IK Enemkpali gets a sack on Geno Smith. Mario Williams leads the team in sacks this year.

LB: At some point a notable veteran is signed, probably someone who used to play on the Jets. Preston Brown doesn't get selected to the Pro Bowl, but multiple Sportsyaks describe this as a "major snub"

CB: Stephon Gilmore is the most noticeably improved player on the defense. Nickell Robey has at least 3 sacks, and at some point Darby supplants McKelvin in the starting lineup permanently.

S: Aaron Williams gets ejected from at least one game, and Rex Ryan defends him. Corey Graham is hardly noticeable on defense, but looks like a superstar on special teams.

Special Teams: Maybe this is the year we won't need a kickoff specialist.

Overall Outlook: Win the AFC East at 10-6.

Stumbling Across the Finish Line

It was a rough finish to the December concert marathon.

Today was the last day of big performances before Christmas break. I had the cantata at church, and then I was home free. I was up before 6 to get coffee and donuts ready for my choir and musicians and to make sure the church was set up. J texted me, wishing me luck, as I led them through a grueling two hour rehearsal. "One more thing and then we're free!!"

I felt great as I drove back home. There was a Bills game on in the afternoon, good leftovers for lunch in the fridge, and nothing to do except relax and hang with the boys. James had been in a particularly good mood all week. What with the move and the new baby we got in the habit of letting him watch an episode of Curious George every night before bed for a few weeks, and we noticed that he wasn't handling it very well. About a week ago we decided to kill two birds (or monkeys?) with one stone by telling him he could only watch George if he did certain big boy things on the potty. This hasn't worked out on the potty training end, but he's become a much nicer kid since we cut down his TV intake to nothing.

I noticed right away, though, that he wasn't in a playful mood when he got back from church with J. He whined through lunch, and went down far too easily for a nap.

I settled down for an afternoon with J...her Steelers game was on at 1, and the Bills were on at 4. It was exciting to watch the Bills play a meaningful game in December...they even still had a chance at the playoffs!

When James got up from his nap he didn't want to give up his binky. In fact, he didn't want to do anything other than lie on our bed and whimper about being held. At first I thought he was just trying to bump Owen off of his favorite two laps, but as the afternoon dragged on I began to realize that he was sick. And it was obvious enough for me to realize it despite the fact that the Bills were in the middle of a very sickly football game.

I asked him if his mouth hurt and he said yes. Eventually he'll stop answering that question truthfully, because whenever he says yes he gets pinned down by one parent while the other forces down some Children's Tylenol. By this time it was almost 5, J was trying to get a pizza into the oven, and Owen was entering the winter of his discontent. (4:30-7:30 PM, daily) Plus, the Bills were losing.

James was crying almost inconsolably when J came up. I had both kids on my lap, and James had his binky in. J asked him what was wrong. And then he vomited all over our bed. It was too gross to describe in detail, and all of us just sat in shock for a moment. And then he vomited again. Fortunately, a primordial parental instinct kicked in allowing J to stick her hands out under his mouth, so instead of having a vomity mess all over our child, quilt, and comforter, we had a vomity mess all over our child, quilt, and comforter, and she had a handful of vomit.

I think Owen ended up on the floor. The handful of vomit ended up in a hastily grabbed box that apparently also had J's nursing pads in it. James' pajamas were covered, and unfortunately, so was George.

"At least he didn't get Steven."

We mopped him up as best we could while both boys cried, and J took George and half our bedding down to the laundry while I put a protesting James in the tub. Owen didn't do great while we left him alone on our bed. The Bills didn't do much better while I left them alone, either.

I put a shivering and sobbing little three year old--they look so much smaller when they're sick--into a new set of clean pajamas and brought him into J. She'd brought up a bowl for any future incidents, and I tried to get Owen calmed down.

"Mommy, where's George?"
"He's downstairs taking a bath. He got a little dirty when you got sick."
"I need George."
"Why don't you snuggle Steven. And if you feel like you're going to be sick again, try to get it into this bowl, okay?"
"I need my ginky."
"Honey, do you know where his gink ended up?"
(It had been brought downstairs for boiling and re-sanitizing.)
"I'll go get it."

And then he vomited all over the place again. This time it got all over the sheets, his new pajamas, and J. And Steven Bear.

"Am I taking Owen, or the sheets, or James?"
"You take Owen and find the paper towels. James, stay here and don't move. No, sorry honey, Steven is going to need to take a bath too."
"I can't believe they're gonna punt with that little time left."

That was when we decided to let James watch a George, even though he hadn't gone in the potty that day. It seemed like a good idea for all parties involved.

Owen started crying some more, and James asked a lot for George and Steven, and I scrubbed out a lot of clothing in the utility sink.

When J finally did come up with a clean and dry George we got the lone smile of the night from James. He made some monkey noises and then asked George whether he liked his bath, which he apparently did. James threw up again before we put him down for the night, but we managed to get all of it in the bowl that time, and we have some back-up pjs ready.

J's evaluation of the situation is that if it had happened two days ago I would have been gone at a concert and she would have had a puking toddler, a screaming baby, a laundry emergency, and a pizza in the oven all at the same time.

Her Mom's evaluation of the situation is that we've finally reached full parenthood now that we've both earned the vomit badge.

My evaluation of the situation is that any quarterback worth only a second or third round pick is unlikely to provide a net gain greater than an offensive line upgrade in the short term, and that the throwing up was only the second gruesomest mess I saw today. I put that on facebook, and used my first ever hashtag.

#christmasbreak
#stillhaventshowered
#fifteenyeardrought
#maybenextyear
#owenisstillscreaming

Quick Hitters

I. This is the first and last year I do a cantata. I expected that it would be sort of like doing a simplified oratorio. You know, show up in a suit, conduct 30 minutes of music, polite applause at the end. Actually it's the sacred equivalent of a community musical. There are costumes, staging concerns, hurt feelings, and multiple emails per day. Still, if you'd like to hear the cantata, come to my church next Sunday. I hired some good musicians...here's hoping it comes off okay.

II. I missed the best Bills game of the year because I was playing Holiday Pops in Oswego. J watched the whole thing and texted me updates. When I got back she came the closest yet to confessing that she's become a Bills fan. "I would still root for the Steelers if they met in the playoffs," she said "but I know so much about the team, and they're on every week...and it's hard not to root for you guys."

III. I'm teaching a nine year old boy how to play the flute. That's wrong on a bunch of different levels. He forgets his instrument a lot, and he has trouble remembering the notes. Two months in, he still puts his fingers in the wrong spot and can only consistently remember how to play a D. Plus, he blows as hard/fast as he can whenever he tries to get a sound. "Alex," I said "you need to blow a lot slower air if you're going to play the flute." He answered "Well, I was born fast, so it's kind of hard for me to go slower." "Hmm. Alex, I'm wondering...because you were born fast, you know, and you like to blow fast...maybe you would enjoy playing the trombone? Because, you need to blow really fast to play the trombone. But flute, you know, that's more of a slow air instrument. What do you think?" "No, I don't think so." Then he leaned in and whispered "I tried the trombone once and the moving thingy came back and hit me, so I am a little scared of the trombone.'

IV. James isn't quite sure what to make of J nursing Owen. The first time he really noticed it (and it went on under his nose for quite some time before he looked up from whatever George was doing) he looked at them both with a puzzled expression and said "Mommy, what's Owen doing?" "Owen's hungry. He needs to eat." James then shouted at his younger brother. "Owen, stop eating Mommy's tummy! That's not food!" Apparently today, however, J asked whether Owen would like to get a cookie and a piece of cheese from Wegmans. James said that no, he not. He just wants to eat Mommy's tummy.

2014 Buffalo Bills Season Preview

It's time again to camp out at Hilltop on Sunday afternoons and either ascend into irrational euphoria (to the confusion of our children and the chagrin of our wives) or to descend into bottomless depression (to the confusion of our children and the chagrin of our wives) every Sunday by 4:00 Eastern Football Time. The Bills are back! And this year is going to be OUR YEAR, because if it isn't our year we've already mortgaged next year to the Cleveland Browns in the form of our first round draft pick. (Number 32, of course.)

What should we expect this year?
QB: Despite the fact that he's had a shaky preseason and appears to have regressed in some (most) of his important developmental areas, I have high hopes for EJ Manuel this year. Why, you ask? Because of chance. I figure that with slightly over half of the teams in the league fielding serviceable starter-quality quarterbacks, we are statistically guaranteed to have come up with a quality player at the quarterback position. You can argue about how many of those quarterbacks are really "elite" (whatever that means) vs. just serviceable, but by my count half the quarterbacks in the league don't have to worry about being supplanted by some new project at the end of the year. (Brady, Tannehill, Flacco, Roethlisberger, Dalton, Rivers, Manning, Smith, Luck, Romo, Foles, Griffin, Manning, Cutler, Rodgers, Stafford, Brees, Ryan, Newton, Kaepernick, Wilson). Okay, so that's 21, more like 2/3rds of the league. Yes, probably one or two of those guys will have a bad a year or a bad injury, and there might be a conversation. But for the majority of them, they are the answer to their team's woes. If an NFL team comes out of your gate with a quality quarterback 66% of the time, what are the odds that your guy is going to end up on the garbage heap for the 10th time in a row? So, EJ, the coin is going to come up heads on you.

HB: Nobody gets a thousand yards. Fred is his usual solid self and averages 4.something per carry of intelligent situational running. He still gets the ball when they need a third down conversion or a touchdown. CJ, as much as I love him will either get hurt or be streaky. I fully expect him to have two 150+ yard games. And then he'll have a game where he gets 8 yards on 9 carries. By season's end he will be the highest paid running back in the NFL. Either Brown or Dixon will come in for one game and score a bunch of touchdowns, and they'll be rewarded with a bunch more carries the next week, but they won't do as well and then everyone will get all ticked off that CJ wasn't used more.

WR: Speaking of Freddie, he will lead the team in receptions. Sammy Watkins will have a nice rookie season and flash some dominance here and there, but I don't expect him to have 1000+ yards or more than 5 touchdowns. Hogan will have the 2nd highest reception total and at some point Mike Williams will throw a hissy fit about getting the ball.

OL: Glenn and Woods will be awesome. Pears will be a bit of a tire fire at guard, and someone will get it in their head that Kouandjiou ought to be playing guard. People will ask Doug Marrone about it several games in a row until he loses his temper and says something in an impatient and angry tone that he hadn't thought all the way through before he started talking. Chris Williams will get hurt and Urbik will end up playing on the left side.

DL: Kyle Williams will be his usual great self, and Jerry Hughes will have more sacks at the end of the year than Mario Williams. (This is a good thing for Mario...it means that he's finally taking his run contain responsibilities seriously.) Marcel Dareus will get benched at least once, but will probably get a couple sacks.

LB: Assuming that the coin flip comes up favorably on EJ, linebacker will be the position that everyone is wishing we had a first round pick for next year. The run defense will be pretty good and you'll get some corner play, but fans will get real sick of watching opposing half backs and tight ends chew up the middle of the field. Someone will come up with a good nickname for Brandon Spikes.

S: Anytime Jairus Byrd makes an interesting play the national commentators will mention Buffalo in derisive bewilderment, as if they had purposefully sent him packing with no effort to retain him at all. Someone will get hurt, and when Jonathon Meeks comes into the lineup John Murphy will say something about the Meeks inheriting the earth.

CB: Stephon Gilmore will struggle early and then completely shut down some great receiver. When asked about what changed in his game, Stephon will say that he just tries to prepare week in and week out or some sportsyak equivalent. Really, he'll just be ticked off and tired of getting burned. Leodis McKelvin will lead the team in interceptions, but will give up several critical long balls.

ST: Dan Carpenter will play statistically well but miss a crucial late field goal at the Ralph in December. The team will employ at least three different punters over the course of the year.

Overall outlook: 9-7, but out of the playoffs again.

Alternate Universe

"And tonight in our sports segment we bring you live to the campus of St. John Fisher College, where the RPO is conducting their training camp and excitement for the new year has reached a fever pitch. Here's our sports and orchestra correspondent."

"Thanks, Jim. The players arrived here yesterday to crowds and cheering as they moved into the dorms. Everyone was excited to see the players taking the field for the first practice this afternoon, and many eyes were on the newest high profile member of the orchestra, their talented young bassoonist. Now the players haven't put on their tuxedos yet, but you can see most of the orchestra members wearing suits and ties as they practice scales and arpeggios on the sidelines. There are a few musicians, like the second trombone, who are nursing some minor injuries and will be held out of drills and exercises until they are cleared by a medical staff that fusses over them and then reports to the press. In the meantime, we're expecting big crowds for the night practices. There are rumors that we'll be seeing some chamber music and perhaps even a reading of a small symphony as early as next week, and as always, the players will be signing autographs afterwards. RPO merchandise can be purchased in the big tent, and we'll be providing hourly updates on the radio."

"Thanks Steve, that's the RPO at St. John Fisher all this week. If you'd like to attend a rehearsal, you'll need a free ticket from Tops or Sunoco, and the bus from one of the satellite locations costs one dollar. And now to weather..."

Week 2 Bills Game vs. Birthday Party for a 2 year old

I went to the stunning Buffalo triumph over the dastardly Panthers last Sunday, and today I spent three hours at a birthday party for James’ friend Alexa. After both events I was tired, hoarse, and a little over-full of junk food. Here are some other things that happened at both events:

Keeping unbalanced people from crashing into you, other people, and furniture

At the birthday party, it was about fifteen toddlers who were running as fast as they could and screaming. Oftentimes they would not look where they were running and stumble over stray toys or other toddlers. (It was hard even for the adults to move anywhere without stepping on one.)

At the game, it was a procession of drunk people who swayed unsteadily and then crashed into you awkwardly, thereby giving you an intimate idea of their personal odor as they either processed out of the aisles towards the bathroom or back into the seats holding even more beer.

Loud denunciation of authority figures

At the birthday party each toddler felt obliged to assert to his or her own parents that they were in NO WAY going to do whatever it was that that particular parent had asked them to do, unless the parent had requested that they stop doing something, in which case the toddler would should that they absolutely WOULD continue to do that thing.

At the football game the fans in our section kept up a steady stream of advice to and criticism of the coaching staff, informing them in the most colorful language that they ought to be calling more passes than runs, unless there were consecutive incompletions, in which case they would wonder in amazement why the coach didn’t just “run the expletive ball.”

Odors

At the birthday party, it was unmistakable aroma of soiled diapers, though there was no way to tell from which particular child it might be emanating. At first the parents attempted to corral their own children long enough to check their backsides, but a general surrender to mob rule was made about halfway through the party.

At the football game, it was a mix of beer, nacho cheese, and a long phalanx of porta-johns outside the parking lot. Woe betide the poor souls who waited in line for their use—I don’t see any way in which the aftermath of their usage didn’t require the burning of clothes and a chemical shower.

Merchandising

At the birthday party Curious George was the unchallenged sponsor of the day. He appeared on the plates, the napkins, the favors, and the tablecloth. The birthday girl herself wore a Curious George outfit, and his dominance of the day was shared only with Barbie and Dora. He inspired great reverence, even among the three-foot savages.

At the football game the charging buffalo (and the throwback standing buffalo) were sponsored by a number of companies, including Tim Hortons, Subway, Carruba Collision, and the-attorneys-who-shall-not-be-named. Above all, the Bills logo inspired great reverence, even among the six-foot savages.

Overbold assurance of future success

At the birthday party each child who was not granted immediate access to his or desired toy made their case to the nearest adult that whoever was using the desired toy was not doing it right, or that they could do it much better. There was no shortage of self-praise.

At the game the phrase “15-1, baby!” was heard multiple times while exiting the parking lot.

Removal of unwanted clothing

At the birthday party the young ladies made numerous wardrobe changes and more than one young man shed a sweater or shoe without looking ever looking back toward it.

At the game I turned to Pax as I saw a shirtless man being escorted out by security and said “Looks like that guy’s getting kicked out.” And he said “I don’t think that’s a guy…”

Haphazard disposal of waste

At the party—which was hosted at the impeccably clean home of our friends, the Hamways—there were used napkins and plates strewn everywhere, pizza crusts and strawberry stems lying in the driveway, balls of every size lying in the yard, toys cars turned on their sides and entire diaper bags overturned.

At the game there were empty beer bottles, cans, and cups everywhere one looked, smushed slices of dropped pizza, confettied programs, human refuse that might have been vomit, and human refuse that might have been even worse.

Unwieldy traffic

At the game there were tens of thousands of vehicles piling into six main parking lots and hundreds of unofficial parking spaces. There were ambulances, mounted police, busses, golf carts, and pedestrian traffic pouring through the streets.

At the party there were two toy cars, two trikes, a toy slide, and a ball pit. There was no mercy.

Group singing

At the game, there was the famous Shout! song whenever the Bills kicked a field goal or scored a touchdown, followed of course by Sweet Caroline at the close of the game.

At the party, there was Happy Birthday, the solemnity of which was somewhat offset by our practice of singing it every time we read Curious George and the Birthday Surprise—therefore, nearly a dozen times a day.

A moment of inexpressible joy leading to the wild embrace of total strangers

At the Bills game, there was an improbable defensive stop with less than two minutes to play, then a masterfully engineered 80 yard drive with no timeouts by a rookie quarterback in his second game that nearly ended in a disaster but was resuscitated by a pass interference penalty, culminating in a scramble to the 3 yard line and a game winning touchdown pass to Stevie Johnson with just six seconds left! Then ensued wild applause, the hugging of strangers, and chanting of the quarterback’s name.

At the party there was a cake with a picture of Curious George on it!

Snowy Days and Bills Games

It's January in Western New York. Once again the lights of Ralph Wilson Stadium have been dimmed at the end of the regular season, and the shores of Lake Erie are cold with disappointment. The Bills have missed the playoffs for the 13th straight year, finishing last in the AFC East in the process. When I was a little boy, the Bills were in the playoffs almost every year. I fear for James' emotional health. Will he be able to bond with his father as I bonded with mine if our football team plays so miserably? Or could they at least be more interesting if they're going to be this bad?

I went to the final game with my friend Bill, and we sat in the Time Warner Cable luxury suite. Have you ever sat in a luxury suite? No, you haven't. You aren't important enough or rich enough. (I don't say this disparagingly...I'm not important enough or rich enough to sit there either, I just happen to have a lucky friend.) As 70,000 plebeians freeze in the regular stadium seats, the dwellers of the luxury box relax in warmth and comfort. There are couches, free drinks, free buffet, and big-screen TVs.

Bill and I came into the stadium with plebes, and had some trouble finding where our box was. You see, we kept on asking for directions to our seats (GL22 in the Time Warner Box) but we couldn't find anyone who was important enough to have been there themselves. Asking for directions to the luxury suite while going through general entrance is like asking questions of yacht maintenance at the bingo hall.

Once we found our suite we dropped off our coats at the coat-check and then got in line for the buffet. There was roasted lamb, a pork and apricot salad, honey-roasted salmon, creamed spinach, and fresh bread. I had a glass of free red wine, and we sat back to enjoy the view of the game through enormous wall-sized windows. For the first ten minutes I was too surprised by my good fortune to consider myself with anything other than a delighted surprise. Then I started feeling guilty. It's hard to say when plenty crosses the line into opulence, or abundance into gluttony, but my conscience started nagging me.

Fortunately, they brought out wings and pizza for halftime, and my conscience is very partial to wings. There were stuffed meatballs as well, and fresh fruit and vegetables. The Bills broke open the game in the third quarter, and the whole box roared with each new score. Outside the plebes high-fived each other, threw snow in the air, and pounded the stands. We might not be very good, but the fans have a good time. After they brought out the desserts (baklava and a raspberry filled cake) I decided to be done with the food.

Summary? It was an awesome experience to do once and once only. But I think that if someone came and offered me the tickets again I'd rather give them to Pax or my Dad. They'd make better patricians anyway.

In other news, James and I went "sledding" in the backyard today. We had the PT Cruiser towed to our driveway for Tim to work on, and I thought James might want to see the big truck. We wrapped him up in two coats, boots, and mittens, and I let him toddle around in the driveway. He thought it was great. He spilled in the snow several times, shouted a lot, and fought his way back down whenever I picked him up. We took an inside break for him to warm up after about 20 minutes (he fought the entire time to get back outside) and then I took him out into the deep drifts of the back yard.

I don't know where my proper snow boots are. Probably somewhere in Albion. I wrapped my socks in plastic bags, then put on sneakers, and towed him around in his sled. We had a great time. He loved going up and down the little snow dunes, he waved hello to the neighbor's bunnies several times, and laughed hysterically whenever we "went fast" on a straightaway. I think he would have stayed out there all afternoon if he hadn't faceplanted in the snow. He remembered how cold he was then, and was happy to let Mommy change him into dry pjs.