Another List

I’m currently sitting in a Tim Horton’s in Buffalo. I’ve been here for the last 7 hours waiting for an evening concert and working on our 2013 taxes. The internet has currently pooped out, so I have plenty of time to think about the top 10 things I’d rather be doing, such as:

10) Playing about 340 high Bs in a row on a stuffy rotary trumpet that I’ve only ever played once before in my life. (Don’t worry, I’ll have a chance to do this in about two hours at the concert.)

9) Slowly flushing $1,006 of small bills down the toilet in the men’s room here. (That would be more enjoyable than writing checks in that amount to New York State and Uncle Sam)

8) Calculating the parabola of the total number of gas stations I passed while driving on the thruway this year divided by the hypotenuse of regular unleaded, so as to more accurately render my standard mileage expense. (It wouldn’t take me long, since I’ve already figured out the miles)

7) Answering questions from strangers about whether I’ve ever received rental income from a farm that owned the royalty rights to any business losses from Hurricane Sandy. (Answer: No)

6) Changing into a tuxedo without ever actually making skin contact with any surface of the money-flushing men’s room. (I’ll do this in about an hour)

5) Reading the enormous book that I brought with me because I thought that the taxes wouldn’t take 7 hours.

4) Taking a community course on how depreciation works for business inventory on a schedule C, since I have no earthly idea what any of the questions in that category are about

3) Having an hour or two alone with my wife to get a good look at her deductions and give her a very thorough Federal Review.

2) Attempting to give cellphone instructions to James on how to ride the New York City subway. (This is sort of what Turbo Tax is going through with me right now.)

1) Actually playing trains with James