Sideways Stories from Wayside Homeschool--Father

Father was the Grammar Teacher at Wayside Homeschool. He had kind brown eyes that always looked tired. Father had a terrible secret. He wished that he could tell his secret to someone, but he couldn't. Father was the only person at Wayside Homeschool who knew what an adverb was.

Father didn't want to keep this secret, really. He kept on trying to share his secret unsuccessfully. He would ask James, who is in 6th grade, what type of word might modify a verb, an adjective, or another adverb. (Father hoped that this hint within the definition itself would lead James to the right answer eventually.) James answered, "a describing verb" hesitantly. Then he asked Father to repeat the question bashfully. James was thinking about sports continuously. It was difficult for him to learn any grammar deeply, because ideas for games kept popping into his mind so vividly.

Father tried to share his secret with Owen trickily. He wrote the definition of an adverb up on the word wall boldly. Father pointed at the word wall demonstratively. The Word Wall was really just the wall to the dining room, but covered in Latin declensions, definitions of parts of speech, and number patterns completely. 

He asked Owen, pointing to the word wall expectantly, to tell him what kind of a word might tell him How, When, Where, How Often, or To What Extent. Owen was drawing eagerly. Father tried to redirect Owen to his grammar lesson, but doodling was all that Owen was interested in recently. Owen liked to draw on his homework everywhere. Even though Owen wasn't supposed to, he did it constantly. If it was up to Owen, he would have spent his school drawing entirely.

Father gave up on sharing the secret about adverbs with James and Owen eventually. He figured that he could tell his secret to Felix soon. Felix was a Kindergartner with a big head and glasses that he only wore occasionally. Father whispered to Felix quietly, "Felix, do you remember the definition of a noun?" Felix whispered back softly, "A person, place, thing, or idea." 

Father couldn't bear the secret of the adverb burning inside him hotly. He asked Felix if he wanted to know his secret conspiratorially. Felix nodded suspiciously. Father whispered gently that most words that end in "ly" are adverbs, mostly. Felix told Father that he preferred words that ended in the letters "E-L-I-X," proudly.

Yes, Father was trapped with his secret about adverbs unhappily. He bore it stoically, constantly, and everywhere, mostly.