Philosophy Mock Draft

1. Arizona Cardinals
Baruch Spinoza (University of Leiden)
Attempting to turn around the Cardinals after a dismal season will mean that the coaching staff and players must rediscover the conatus, an innate striving that when conscious of its own appetite accompanies consciousness of oneself. Coach Kingsbury is also hopeful that the first major European Jewish philosopher will mentor the NFL's first Jewish quarterback.

2. San Francisco 49ers
Rene Descartes (University of Franeker)
Descartes is expected to provide explanations to the 49ers many doubts about their own existence. Why are they called the San Fransisco 49ers when they play in Santa Clara? Do they really have a QB? If so, why didn't anyone see him last year? How can they have know they've fixed the position if they only saw him play six games? Descartes apparently assured Coach Shanahan and GM John Lynch in pre-draft meetings that they could verify their existence merely by having the faculty of consideration.

3. New York Jets
Georg Willhelm Friederich Hegel (University of Jena)
Having just missed out Descartes the Jets select the father of analytic philosophy in hopes of establishing a proper analytics department. Hegel, however, is expected to repeat his habit of rubber stamping whatever decisions the Prussian state/front office finds acceptable despite their lack of intellectual rigor.

4. Oakland Raiders
Niccolo Machiavelli (Florence)
Jon Gruden resonates with Machiavelli's tactics of intimidation, dominance, and deceit. Having driven out any potential rivals for power in the front office and the locker room Gruden and Machiavelli will now maintain tyrannical power over the Raider franchise. 'Tis better to be feared than loved.

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Simone de Beauvoir (University of Paris)
Although not a perfect fit for the Buccaneers' offensive scheme and perhaps a reach at number 5 overall, the Buccaneers have to make this move from a PR standpoint now that they've doubled down on Jameis Winston as their starting QB. Will the author of The Second Sex change the narrative of Winston's sexual assault scandal? Trading down is also a possibility for the Bucs here.

6. New York Giants
Galen (Pergamum)
Desperate to extend Eli Manning's final years and still hedging on drafting a successor, the Giants turn to the father of ancient medicine in the hopes that he will be able to balance Manning's humors through his tried and trusty methods of leeches and herblore.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars
Arthur Schopenhauer (University of Jena)
Doug Marrone and Tom Coughlin find a perfect fit for their hard-nosed and miserable style of football by drafting the man who described the human condition as a "pendulum between boredom and suffering." Everyone's favorite pessimistic atheist will be sure to point out that medicore football and an apathetic fan base don't matter since we're all going to die anyway and the best we can hope for is a quick annihilation.

8. Detroit Lions
Diogenes the Cynic (Sinope)
In a move to bolster weak ticket sales the Lions bring aboard someone even more cynical than their own fan base. Diogenes greets the Detroit public by insisting that the Lions definitely aren't going to win more than six games and that he only wants to be honest man. Diogenes has apparently moved his ceramic sleeping jar into an abandoned Chrysler factory and defecated on the astroturf at Ford Field.

9. Buffalo Bills
Thales (Miletus)
Having lived from 624-546 BC and generally recognized as the oldest major philosopher, Coach McDermott thinks that Thales has the maturity and experience to be the feature back in running back room featuring youngsters LeSean McCoy and Frank Gore.

10. Denver Broncos
Vilfredo Pareto (University of Lausanne)
The original defender of elitism comes to the Mile High City to verify that Joe Flacco is indeed an elite talent and that building a team around him is a worthwhile exercise despite calls for the Broncos to actually draft and develop their own QB talent.

11. Cincinnati Bengals
John Rawls (Princeton)
In an obvious push for small-market team interests, Rawls will help the Bengals argue that in a thought experiment where all 32 owners are randomly relocated to unknown cities of differing resources the "veil of ignorance" would dictate that revenue ought to be distributed more evenly than it already is. Rawls will also challenge that the Bengals should get to play in an easier division and that rich teams shouldn't be allowed to hire their own private scouting staff.

12. Green Bay Packers
Thomas Hobbes (Oxford)
The "Leviathan" star comes to Green Bay to justify a social contract where Aaron Rodgers, himself unaccountable, is licensed to control and dictate every decision on his team. Without a strong sovereign men are incapable of commodious living--this pick is all about empowering number 12.

13. Miami Dolphins
Milton Friedman (Columbia University)
The Dolphins listened when Friedman suggested that high end QB play wasn't necessary for an NFL team to win, and he has plenty more to say about how the game should be deregulated and penalties should be worked out among the players and referees with unrestricted on-field bidding. Friedman is also a good fit for Florida's low state taxes.

14. Atlanta Falcons
Erwin Schroedinger (University of Vienna)
Dan Quinn brings the famous physicist on board to explain his theory of quantum mechanics and how in a subatomic event the Falcons might be a team with an established franchise QB in his prime with dangerous weapons and a talented defense and yet simultaneously be a pile of burning garbage.

15. Washington Redskins
John Stuart Mill (University College, London)
Owner Dan Snyder is preparing for the inevitable congressional hearing over his franchise's racist name and merchandise by bringing in the original advocate for free speech and a utilitarian ethical theory. If the offense caused by a racially charged word creates some suffering for indigenous peoples but also generates lots of merchandising money for a billionaire, how can you calculate the correct course of action?

16. Carolina Panthers
St. Augustine (Hippo)
With Cam Newton's chastity project underway the Panthers look to support their franchise QB by bringing in a brilliant theologian and rhetorician who turned his inner sexual monologues into one of the most brilliant autobiographies ever written. Quocumque fugies deus te videbit.

17. New York Giants (via Cleveland)
Marcus Aurelius (Rome)
The great Roman emperor/stoic philosopher is the Giant's second pick in the hopes that he will ease Manning's ignominious decline into old age and defeat by reminding him to practice virtue and remain unperturbed by losses, fumbles, interceptions, and incompetent offensive line play. The teammates might also share a connection over the fact that they both were less highly regarded than their more popular family members despite having similar career accomplishments.

18. Minnesota Vikings
Aristotle (Stagira)
The Vikings reach out to the greatest of Philosophers for the monumental task of classifying Kirk Cousins. What IS he? Surely he can't be called a franchise QB, but he isn't a journeyman either. His contract doesn't appear to be that of a placeholder, and his statistics seem to tell yet another story. If anyone can work out a genus and the differentia from the available evidence it will be the father of deductive reasoning himself.

19. Tennessee Titans
Plautus (Lycopolis)
Mike Vrabel chooses the original clever Egyptian who recycled Plato's work into a new philosophical school without having Plato's literary talent to help the Titans become the new Patriots without having Tom Brady on their roster.

20. Pittsburgh Steelers
Soren Kierkegaard (University of Copenhangen)
The Steelers plan to use Kierkegaard to confront Roethlisberger's ambivalence about retirement. Is he terrified of death? Is he more terrified that he will continue playing forever? Is it the locker room culture of existential angst that has led to the departures of Leveon Bell and Antonio Brown?

21. Seattle Seahawks
Anselm (Canterbury)
Despite strong arguments from those within the organization to spend the pick on Gaunilo of Marmoutier, Pete Carroll decides to draft the former archbishop of Canterbury and his famous ontological argument. Anselm will demonstrate that since Russell Wilson is a quarterback than which a greater cannot be conceived, and that since existing on the roster is clearly superior to not existing on the roster, therefore Russell Wilson is demonstrably the player that Seattle should place at the center of their franchise plans.

22. Baltimore Ravens
John Locke (Oxford)
The Ravens are naively optimistic that human nature is a tabula rasa--what appear to be crippling deficiencies in Lamar Jackson's mechanics can almost certainly be overcome by experience and introspection.

23. Houston Texans
Sun Tzu (Qi, Zhou kingdom)
Bill O'Brien wants to strengthen his tactical acumen by bringing aboard the famous author of the Art of War. Tzu has already advised QB Deshaun Watson to be serene and inscrutable and is planning a complex zone-based defense since "all war is based on deception."

24. Oakland Raiders (via Chicago)
Blaise Pascal (Clermont-Ferrond)
Pascal deeply impressed Coach Gruden in pre-draft workouts by demonstrating the binomial coefficients of his arithmetical triangle. Some within the organization are suspicious, however, that Coach Gruden is more interested in Pascal's ability to count cards (looking forward to their Las Vegas move in the near future) than in his pensees or mathematical acumen. One anonymous source believes that the front office has completely misunderstood Pascal's wager.

25. Philadelphia Eagles
Pythagoras (Samos)
Though some within the organization about Pythagoras' commitment to vegetarianism and total secrecy regarding his philosophical tenets, Pythagoras' numerological explanation of play-calling and the motion of the planets has won over Coach Pederson.

26. Indianapolis Colts
St. Thomas Aquinas (University of Paris)
Coach Reich plays up his return to conservative ground-and-pound football by drafting the 13th century scholastic. Aquinas apparently demonstrated five proofs for the superiority of his play-action offense, and the ideological fit between the venerated Catholic saint and the deeply religious Reich makes lots of sense.

27. Oakland Raiders (via Dallas)
Jean-Paul Sartre (University of Paris)
Unsure of how to spend their final 1st round pick and nauseated by the cheap theater of the draft process, the Raiders hope to challenge the spiritually destructive conformity of the NFL's imperialist attitudes. Having heard his name repeatedly mispronounced at the introductory meetings, Sartre puffed on a cigarette, shrugged, and remarked that he was "condemned to be free."

28. Los Angeles Chargers
Heraclitus (Ephesus)
The Chargers organization is still trying to work out some translation issues with the verse-speaking Heraclitus, but there was an immediate connection once they realized that the "divine fire" which Heraclitus claims is the animating principle of the universe is the very logo on the Chargers' helmets. A contract impasse might be coming, however, since Heraclitus continues to insist that all things flow and that he is incapable of stepping in the same river twice.

29. Kansas City Chiefs
Francis Bacon (Cambridge)
Coach Reid isn't actually interested in Empiricism or Sir Francis' discovery of the scientific method--he just heard "bacon" and made a bit of an impulse pick here at 29 overall.

30. Green Bay Packers (via New Orleans)
Chrysippus (Soli)
The former of student of Cleanthes and head of the Stoa assures Packers players and fans that they must all practice virtue to reach ataraxia until the souls of Bart Starr and Vince Lombardi once again transmigrate and the cycle of Packers greatness is gloriously renewed again.

31. Los Angeles Rams
George Berkeley (Trinity College, Dublin)
Is a tree falls in the wood, does it make a sound? If a franchise wins a conference title but no one shows up to watch them play, are they actually a real team? Berkeley comes on board to explain perception theory and abstraction. Coach McVay has already sent copies of A Treatise Concerning the Principles of Human Knowledge to all staff and players in advance of OTAs.

32. New England Patriots
Friedrich Nietzsche (University of Basel)
Coach Belichik insists that Nietzsche will bring great value to the Patriots organization. Apparently the two see eye-to-eye on the moral immunity of the Ubermensch and the inutility of old fashioned ethical categories like "fairness" or "good and evil." "Yes," Belichik commented of the pick "all that matters now is the will to power."