New Computer

We are officially old, and it does not feel good.

I am sitting on the couch with a brand new Toshiba laptop in front of me, freshly arrived from China. (Or perhaps Korea or Japan or Germany. One of the countries that was an enemy back in the good old days of us old people.) I don’t understand it at all.

Let the record show first that I was a vocal supporter of an Apple computer. But perhaps further explanation is needed. You see, our old computer is stupid. We got it for free back in 2007 when we agreed to stay in the ghettos of Greensboro, NC for another year at the Happy and Safe Apartments. (Motto: You probably won’t hear all of the car alarms going off because the parties are so loud.) The management offered us an enticing incentive (it took me forever to find the italics button on this strange machine) to stay on as tenants for another year by offering a brand new laptop for renewing our lease. We did renew, and the complimentary laptop served us quite well for 6 years.

2 years ago, however, we had a child and decided to take a trillion photos of him lying on the floor and looking frightened of us. Our old Toshiba laptop, already growing old and slow, was completely overburdened by the influx of photos and videos. Plus, that same small child regularly used the computer as a conducting podium/trampoline. Hey, it was free. It didn’t bother us if it took some abuse.

J has been working a lot from home recently as a worship leader/musician wrangler, and her job requires a steady and up to date computing machine. We were both aware that our old Toshiba was no longer up to the task. Here’s how a typical morning of being a stay at home Mom/worship leader might look.

8:30-James is up and breakfasted, and J needs to pick songs for the Saturday service and get them to the office by 10. She pulls out the computer, plugs it in, and turns it on.

8:47-The computer reaches the login screen. James is standing on the piano wearing only one sock, there are matchbox cars in the sink, and he has removed every single pot from the lower kitchen cabinet. Julie enters her name and password.

8:51-The computer flashes a “not responding” message as it tries to pull up the desktop screen. James is vacuuming the floor with a tennis racket, and then begins to beat the bookshelves as hard as he can.

8:56-Norton anti-virus informs J that it is not up to date. Would she like to upgrade to full virus protection? There is a crash in the pantry and James repeats “uh-oh” to himself several times.

8:59-J manages to pull up firefox while sweeping the garlic powder back into its container. James is crying because he wants more juice.

9:07-J attempts to log onto the worship leader website, but chrome gives her a “not responding message.” James is on her iPad surfing Youtube unsupervised.

9:13 J has planned half of the Saturday service when a window pops up informing her that automatic updates will restart the computer in 15 minutes. James is shrieking because he dropped Curious George in the crib and can’t reach him to get him out.

9:18 James keeps on pushing Curious George at the Ice Cream Shop in front of the computer screen while J swats it away and tries to finish her service. James pushes a random button and a photo pops of him asleep on the floor at two months old. J clicks to close out of the photo but accidentally restarts the computer. All her work is lost, and it will be at least another twenty minutes until she can turn the computer on again.

This is why we needed a new computer. And as I said, I campaigned for a macbook. We’ve had nothing but the best from my iPhone and her iPad, and we would have been happy to show our loyalty to Apple. But, since we didn’t have enough money to feed James AND to buy the really nice laptop, we decided to get another Toshiba.

Still, there was a lot to be excited about. Our machine would have the latest Pentium processor, a whole terabyte of storage space, a new long-lasting battery, and the latest Windows software.

I don’t understand it at all. I think my face looks like what J’s grandparents look like when we pull up videos on our phones.

The thing is, I’ve always been one of the kids when it comes to techie stuff. When my parents came to my third grade open house and puzzled over how we could keep track of all the information we needed to do that fancy “logging-in” business I was already buying supplies to show them an adventure on the Oregon Trail. I understood intuitively how to make the newest technology work because I was as young as the technology itself. Also, my Oregon Trail strategy was to stock up on ammunition and only carry a little food, and then to hunt a lot and just carry what I needed.

But now, I’ve grown old and the technology is no longer intuitive. Even as I write this blog entry in Microsoft Word 2013, I keep on accidentally shrinking the page view until I can’t see the words anymore, and my glasses are in the bathroom and I don’t want to get up because of my back because of how I had to bend over for an hour to play trains with James. (Choo choo!)

What used to be “windows” are now “apps,” except instead of being like the apps on my phone they jump away every time I get near the touch pad, and I can’t ever find the start button to get back to my desktop.

We’ll probably learn and adjust, but if we don’t James will show us. Because he is young, and even though he’ll want to use this expensive new machine as a conducting podium, he will automatically know how to use it in complex, enriching, and efficient ways. Mainly, watching Curious George on the Netflix app.