Quick Hitters

We don't have cable, so whenever I check into a hotel room I put on SportsCenter. There are all sorts of amazing highlights and countdowns and special interest segments that I thoroughly enjoy for about 5 minutes as I kick off my shoes and practice trumpet for a bit. And then, after the 5 minutes are up, I remember why SportsCenter is stupid and we will never pay for cable.

SMITHS GO TO THE LIBRARY
Host 1: Okay, so the Smith Family was out at the Pittsford public library today, let's roll the highlights. Looks like Dad picked up a book on Leopold Stokowski, The Last Days of Pompeii, and in a surprising development you can see him here in the 300 call numbers picking up two books about purchasing a house for the first time. Reactions, guys?

Host 2: Yeah, I think that's a bad idea on his part. Supposedly he's already reading Froissart, and he just isn't going to have time to take care of all of those books before they're due again. I mean, the guy is trying to get up and read Homer and Ovid every morning...he's just overstretched. It isn't gonna happen. He's too old and tired, and he's not going to have time in his reading rotation--and that's not even counting how many times a day he has to read Curious George out loud.

Host 3: I disagree. You know, when I was younger and more important I read books quickly all the time. Of course the tempo of the game and the coaching were different back then, but I set records for how quickly I could read library books. I'd read seven every day. I say he finishes all of those books before they're due again.

Host 1: One other interesting note, it looks like James picked up a Curious George treasury and also Curious George in the Big City and Curious George Makes a Mess, and we can't confirm, but it looks like that DVD that he won't let go of is Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham.

Host 2: I've got a good source that says that DVD is in fact Green Eggs and Ham, and that he watched it as soon he got home.

Host 3: You know, back in my playing days I took a look through Curious George Makes a Mess, and I tell you, it's the exact same plot as the first part of Curious George Gets a Medal, down to the cow pulling the pump.

2 NEW PROPERTIES

Host 1: Now we have some highlights of two new properties that the Smiths are looking at. Looks like they're going into a yellow house north of the city up here, and then check out this blooper--they drive all the way up to Irondequoit--

Host 2:--yeah, that's not exactly a jog up the street--

Host 1: And they're LOCKED OUT of the property they're trying to visit. Look at them fumbling with the lock. So, sorry guys, you aren't getting in that house today. We'll be seeing that one on the blooper reels all night.

Host 3: Yeah, and the same thing happened to me a couple of times during one of my Pro Bowl years. I went to look at a property and just couldn't get access.

Host 2: I disagree that this was an accident. I say, that they saw how beat up that house looked on the outside and they only PRETENDED they couldn't get in.

J DRINKING COFFEE

Host 1: Well, we've got a follow up on some news that broke the other day. We can officially confirm that J is now a coffee drinker. She's been seen several times this week drinking plain home-brewed coffee in a black mug, albeit with some Bailey's creamer added. Here's a photo of her pouring a french press into a mug, and here she is looking really happy and awake. Guys, what do we think?

Host 2: Well, I can tell you that her husband must be really pleased. He probably regards it as an enormous personal victory that she's finally drinking regular coffee. I'd give him a warning, though. I'd say, "Son, you aren't gonna have enough coffee for yourself if you let your woman take a cup of it every time you brew some."

Host 3: I disagree. I think you're dead wrong on that one, and here's why--I used to make coffee all the time and share it with my wife before I went out and won lots of ball games, and there was always plenty to go around, and do you want to know why? Because if we ran out, I'd just make some more. BOOM, problem solved.

JURY DUTY

Host 1: In some surprising news, we've had it confirmed that R has received a notice of jury duty this week. Our legal team is still unraveling the fine print on this one, but it sounds like he's going to have to call in to a telephone number every night until he's either summoned to appear or he's dismissed from service.

Host 2: Yeah, and I think that there's no way he gets out of this week without having to at least appear at the courtroom. They're already within 200 jurors of his number, and it's only Tuesday--an unpleasant fact, but sorry, you're going to have to make an appearance.

Host 3: You know, I disagree. I think that when you get called for jury duty or you have some kind of substance arrest--you know, I had my fair share of them back in playing days--that all you have to do is just go out and play your game at an all-pro level week in and week out, and you just let the lawyers handle it. I don't think he has anything to worry about.

CHILD HEALTH PLUS

Host 1: And finally, we have some statistics. You can see here R made a phone call to Child Health Plus to enquire about enrollment procedures for the baby due in November, and we ended up with a final time on hold of 23 minutes and 40 odd seconds. A new record, gentlemen...how long do we think this one holds up?

Host 2: I don't think that record is going to hold. With the changes that have been made in the science of the game and the technology, I think that record is gonna be broken by next year.

Host 3: You know, I set the record for everything in every sport multiple times, and I tell ya, records are made to be broken. But you know, this one might stand. I might sound like I'm contradicting myself, but we've just got another couple seconds till we're at the commercial break.

Host 1: And we'll be right back with more gripping analysis after these shoe commercials...