I Samuel 8

But the Lord said to Samuel, Listen to the voice of the people in all which they are saying to thee, yet bear witness to them and foresay to them the law of owning a house which will be over them.

And thus Samuel said all the words of the Lord to the people which sought from him to buy a house, and he said:

This is the law of buying a house which shall be to you. They sons will take up drumsticks and beat them against thy walls, and it shall be up to thee to replace the wallpaper and the drywall, and they shall make markings of crayons and markers upon the same

And there will be established on you school taxes, even though you homeschool, and also shall you pay insurance and thine own utilities, not to mention closing costs and the fees of thy realtors

And thy daughters also, shouldst thou have any, will seek of thee to paint their rooms anew, though the paint be as precious as gold and thou would have no idea how to paint in any fashion

But thy money and thy credit will be given to repairs and to upgrades, and thy wife will demand of thee that the kitchen shouldst be upgraded and that thou madest pledge to her of fixing the bathroom although there is to thee no remembrance of such covenant

Thy books as well shall be in boxes in the basement, yet that basement will flood and thou will make effort to deliver them barefooted and in thy underwear, lo, even though it be midwinter will thy basement flood as the waters cover the sea

And when the wintertime cometh thou shalt shovel thine own snowy driveways, and surely in the spring thou shalt clean thine own gutters, and in all season will thou payest utilities, and the neighbor kids will steal thy trash cans.

And you will clamor in that day before the face of thy house which thou boughtest with the gold of the bank, and the Lord will not hear thee, for even at his heavenly house he must needs mow his own grass each week

But the people did not hear the voice of Samuel, but they said surely shall our own house be unto us, and we will be owners over it just as the gentiles, and our house will be our own, and it will be over us and keepest us warm in the winter

And Samuel heard all the words of the people and spoke them in the ears of the Lord. But the Lord said to Samuel, listen to their voice and establish over them a Realtor, and Samuel spoke to the men of Israel, and each departed unto his own city.