Advice

Should we buy a house?

Achilleus: Nay, spend not silver or other guerdon to make purchase of yonder house, but let us take it by force as once I sacked seven-gated Thebes and plundered it. The strength of the house shall not prevail against us, but we shall pull down its walls and despoil all the cattle of their fields, and their wives will be our concubines.
Odysseus: Even better, listen to my much-crafty counsel. We shall build to them a great gift of wood and feign our departure, as though we had conceded defeat and abandoned the high-walled house. Then in the midst of their reveling will the noble first-fighters climb down from our deceitful gift and slaughter them all in their drunkenness, and we will take the house by the cleverness of our wits.
Me: Any chance we could do this without putting anyone to the sword?
Achilleus: We came all this way, I think we need to use the swords.

Jesus: No man can serve two masters. Either he will love the one and hate the other or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Mammon.
Me: I was kind of hoping that your bit would be about the foundation of sand vs. the foundation of rock. Because I was just in the basement and it looks pretty good down there, aside from the smell.
Jesus: Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy.
Me: Dangit

Ovid: Men say that long ago in this country there was a certain nymph who very beautiful and lovely in form, and seeing her one of the river gods was struck with a violent passion. He gave her chase, but she was devout unto Diana and would not surrender her chastity. Yet the young river god was more swift of foot than she, and as he was about to overtake her and do her violence she prayed unto Father Zeus that she be saved from the injury he meant to do her. Then even as she collapsed upon the ground she felt her knees begin to grow solid and turn into concrete, and her arms were turning into aluminum siding, and when she touched her hair it had become as asphalt shingles.
Me: This really isn't helpful
Ovid: I'm not finished yet. The river god was turned into a cat, which is what you smell when you go down into the basement. He's still trying to get into her crawlspace. <giggles>
Me: No wonder they kicked you out of Rome.

Saul: Well, I was going to wait for Samuel to get here to sign the mortgage, but I say we just do it ourselves.
Me: I think we should wait for Samuel. And perhaps the Realtor and the lawyers as well.
Saul: Nah, we've waited long enough. Let's just sign it ourselves, go beat back the Philistines, and call it a day.
Me: You aren't qualified to sign the mortgage. I mean, you're a great warrior and all, but Samuel said specifically to wait for him.
Saul: Too late. <signs "Saul, son of Kish, King of Israel, esquire> Now it's done. Boom.