Guest post: The Humility of Wisdom

R asks me periodically if I want to guest-post on this most auspicious of blogs. I've turned him down thus far, largely because I'm not nearly as witty and clever. But this blog serves another purpose that goes beyond entertaining the masses. It really has become our family history, an online journal of our family and story. So when I thought of wanting to preserve a devotional I was privileged to share at a close friend's bridal shower, I thought this would be the right place. R, graciously, gave his wholehearted blessing...

The Humility of Wisdom

We’re here today to celebrate the upcoming union of L and N. I’ve had the privilege of knowing L for 12 years now. When I first met her she was quite a young girl, with braces and big glasses. And she was a complete sweetheart, even then. She has grown into an incredibly beautiful, intelligent woman, with a work ethic and talent to take on just about anything. How many people do YOU know who sweep every music award in college while graduating from the honors program, and then decide to go into medicine?

I don’t know N nearly as well, I’m afraid. But I have had opportunities to see his own high level of intelligence, enthusiasm, and love for children. I taught one of his fifth graders last year at RCS on the flute. She was a bouncy, distracted little thing who would do ANYTHING to get out of actually having to demonstrate how little she had practiced over the past week. I have to give N major kudos for putting up with her antics all day, every day! And I know that she loved having him as a teacher.

So these two kind, intelligent people have decided to get married, and commit to spending their lives together. And it’s the kind of match we can celebrate, right? This isn’t a wedding that I’ll attend with a knot in my stomach, a situation that seems to be more common than I’d like to admit. To be able to go and ENJOY and CELEBRATE is exciting! We are EXCITED for you L!

So…I’m pretty sure that the bridesmaids looked through their guest list for the shower today and I was the only one who fit the “not 25 years older than the bride but married” mold. Therefore, I was asked to share a little bit with you all, and with you specifically L. And I want to speak briefly about wisdom. Let me share with you a brief passage from the book of James. James is a man of action—he writes of love and wisdom and faith, but these words aren’t to be interpreted as warm and fuzzy feelings. And that’s why it’s one of my favorite books of the Bible.

James 3:13-18

Wisdom from Above

13 Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the humility of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. 15 This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, pagan. 16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 18 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

It’s one thing to be intelligent. To be able to succeed academically and spout off the right answers and know all of the Bible stories. I know lots of people who are smart, but who are not wise. To truly succeed in life, to live as Christ, to flourish in one’s marriage, requires wisdom.

I foolishly, unwisely, googled “best advice for newlyweds” as I was mulling over what to share with you this morning. And, to be honest, most of it was way too common-sensical, or just plain rubbish. So I decided to try a little harder, and think about the things that have ended up mattering the most in MY marriage. Here they are, in no particular order:

• Take 100% responsibility for making your marriage successful. A marriage won’t flourish if you expect everything to be a 50-50 split.

• Always respect and honor your spouse in public.

• Find some people in your life who are really smart with finances.

• Don’t withhold sex when you’re in conflict/challenging circumstances.

• Find a ministry to be involved in together.

• Communicate and listen. Don’t assume.

As I look over this list, it becomes pretty apparent that these are good examples of what James is talking about when he refers to the “humility of wisdom.” Wisdom, according to James, is good conduct, and described as pure, peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. It’s way too easy for me to think of wisdom as “having the correct answers” or “being the one who’s right” or “if he would just understand what I’m saying I would totally win this argument.”

Life isn’t that easy, it’s not that simple. I think I used to subconsciously think that it was. But the reality is that you will face challenges in your marriage where there aren’t any right or wrong answers per say, or the grief that surrounds you is so thick that you can’t think straight, or the initial excitement of a new opportunity clouds your judgment. Smarts don’t always cut it. And it’s in these times especially that we need the humility of wisdom. To stop, breathe, think, pray, and listen. To each other, and to those you deem to be wise outside of your marriage.

Let me give you a brief example. My husband and I have been married for seven years now. He is extremely intelligent, and I did OK in college myself. We are probably in the category of “smart” according to most of the world. Three years ago my husband was presented with a job opportunity that he had been diligently pursuing for five or six years. It gave him the chance to perform on his trumpet full-time, with a professional orchestra, and play under the best conductors in the world. It would open up more opportunities for networking and bigger and better jobs. He breathlessly called me one day at work with this completely unexpected news.

The problem was: the job was in Miami Beach, where we would have been forced to live in a tiny studio apartment surrounded by young, single musicians who would have practiced, and partied, at all hours. The job was really more of an apprenticeship, which would have made our finances next to impossible to maintain a balanced budget. The job would require us to move almost immediately. And, oh yes, I was seven months pregnant with our first child.

Instantly we were forced to examine a situation that was outside of anything we had encountered. My husband CLEARLY saw it as the answer to all of his hard work—the big step in the right direction as far as his career went and how he was going to provide for his family. The obvious choice was to move and make it work somehow. I CLEARLY saw it as the wrong job at the wrong time in the wrong place. I wasn’t necessarily opposed to moving for some kind of orchestral post, but in my rather fragile state, I couldn’t begin to fathom moving to Miami Beach (crime capital of the country) with a newborn, leaving our family, leaving our connections in Rochester, etc, etc, etc.

Our intelligence didn’t cut it. There was no clear right answer. And, let me tell you, it was probably the most challenging two weeks of my life, as we debated and examined and prayed and pleaded and, quite honestly, grieved that we were forced into making a decision that neither of us were expecting and that kind of seemed like a lose-lose situation.

We needed wisdom. We pleaded for wisdom. We met with our pastor, we met with people we trusted, we prayed unceasingly, we communicated and listened. Ultimately we decided to stay. A decision that grieved us, even though we trusted that it was the best thing. And, looking back, those prayers for wisdom and the support of those wise people around us continues to be a comfort in the wake of that extremely challenging time. It’s not the kind of thing we look back on and laugh about yet. There are still “what if” moments.

I hope you never have to deal with something like that. But, you’re young, and you’ll probably be married for a long time. Chances are you’re going to bump into something that goes beyond the black and white. Resist the temptation to “be right.” Keep honoring, keep listening, keep giving diligently. Wisdom isn’t just necessary in the heat of the moment—it helps ease the slow climb out of the valley, and makes the high, celebratory moments in life all the sweeter.

L, our desire for you is that you and N both would be full of the wisdom that is from above. And that your marriage would yield, as James says, a “harvest of righteousness” because of your deliberate efforts to live wisely. Let’s take a moment to pray to that end.