If the Lesson Schedule Were Honest

This is my fourth year teaching all the instrumental lessons at a local Christian school. I know all the kids, so I have a pretty good idea of what's going to happen. Here's what a typical day looks like:

Monday
8:15 4-6 grade trumpet players blatting Let's Go Band, which was their favorite song last year. Three of the six didn't touch their instruments all summer and the valves no longer work. One of the boys ran to my room from the other side of the school and can't stop sweating

9:06 Elementary band. Percussionists, please be quiet. Time to learn some Christmas muPercussionists, quiet, please. Time to get started on Christmas music for the next.........I'm waiting....time to get started on Christmas music for the concert which is Percussionists, QUIET! We're doing three pieces for the Christmas concerts and WILL YOU DRUMMERS SHUT UP??

9:57 Elementary clarinets. I need a new reed. My clarinet isn't working. It still isn't working. Oh, the cleaning cloth is stuck. It still isn't working. A couple of these little pads fell out...is that a big deal?

10:45 Big kids band. Mr. Smith, none of us remember how to do sharps and flats.

12:06 Elementary bassoon. Mr. Smith, I don't remember how to put the instrument together anymore. So I take it you didn't practice over the summer? No, I couldn't remember how to put the instrument together.

12:58 Elementary percussion. 2 drummers show up and practice drum rolls as loud as they can. What are rudiments again? Oh, I remember that. Hey, what are those funny lines called again? Oh, that's right eighth rests. That's like, 4 counts, right? No Daniel, it's SIX.

1:45 Make-up. The other 3 drummer show up. They didn't want to skip gym.

Wednesday
8:15 HS trumpets. Listen to this high note I can play. No, wait a second, I just gotta warm up. No, wait a second, I did it a minute ago. Is that it?

9:06 HS trombones. My slide doesn't move anymore. Did you practice over the summer? No, I couldn't. Why not? I was busy. With what? I had to help around the house. Your Dad said you just played video games all summer. Yeah, I was pretty busy.

9:57 HS flutes. <no one shows up>

10:45 Jazz band. None of the saxophones can come to jazz band because they have to get their picture taken for NHS. They need to come anyway. They can have their pictures taken later. Okay, also, we also actually forgot our instruments. Ah. Use a school instrument.

12:06 HS saxophone. Mr. Smith, this school saxophone doesn't make any sound above a C. And also, I think that a mouse might have died in the case.

12:58 HS percussion. Hey Mr. Smith, are we gonna do some drumset in concert band this year? <banging drumsticks on the clavinova> Don't hit that with the drumsticks, that was expensive. I don't think so. We're doing all Bernstein. Can we do drumset anyway? <starts tapping on the school saxophone with the drumsticks> Never mind

1:45 Make-up. Mr. Smith, we're sorry we forgot our lesson. Should we come to the make-up? Sure, grab your flutes. Okay, but actually we forgot our instruments too. Have a nice weekend, girls.