Pizza

1:45 PM
I am making pizza tonight.

J and I agreed last night that I would make a pizza entirely on my own, and that she would stand by as a neutral observer, kind of like the UN presence in Syria, except that (based on my history here, here, and here) the pizza may turn out to be more catastrophic and perplexing. She won't give advice or do any of the actual preparation, but we'll both be blogging our report of what transpires as we go.

3:44
The Neutral Observer informs me that it is time to start making dough if we're going to eat by 6. 90 minutes for the dough in the bread machine, then another half hour for assembling the pizza and baking "if everything goes according to plan." I think that she has stressed this last sentence with needless emphasis.

3:46
I get out the bread machine and plug it in, checking to make sure that there aren't any spice containers inside the chamber. James routinely shuts himself in the pantry and "makes cookies" by putting seven or eight spice containers inside the bread machine. This is also usually a sign that he is filling his diaper with something that is not cookies. Mental note to work on potty training again this weekend.

3:48
I wash my hands and begin to search for a recipe. I have no idea where her dough recipe is. There is a pile of recipes on the floor from when J was making cookies earlier and James upended the recipe box. They have gradually been scattered under the refrigerator and kitchen table. This may take awhile.

3:49
The Neutral Observer has offered to tell me where the recipe is. I have accepted her offer.

3:52
I sort through hundreds of recipes and find no less than three separate Pizza cards before I find Bread Machine Pizza Dough. NB: the Neutral Observer has taken over my typing duties because she wants to eat sometime before 8PM and is tired of watching me bend over the computer every 30 seconds.  Any misspellings are her own fault. (Hey!)

My first measuring cup is the size of Uganda. I decide against using it to measure 1 1/4 cups of water. My preferred measuring cup has been turned into a death trap for fruit flies. I'm being forced to improvise. I locate a dirty Pyrex cup in the dishwasher and am now washing it. The meniscus of the water is now at the 1 c line. I have used lukewarm water.

3:56
The Neutral Observer is telling me not to use lukewarm water. That's correct. The meniscus of the water is now at the 1 c line, full of hot water.

3:57
I have added an additional 2 oz of hot water, for a total of 1 1/4 c of hot water. Having trouble locating the bread flour.

3:58
The Neutral Observer is interfering again, telling me I am putting in my ingredients in the incorrect order. I set the flour aside and dig for measuring spoons. I locate a coffee scoop and head to the sugar canister. Neutral Observer keeps her mouth shut.

3:59
Conducted a brief taste test of the medium-sized canister to determine contents. Verdict: sugar. Apprehension about where precisely the measuring line is on my measuring spoon. That's because it's really a coffee scoop. Poured the salt in, with minimal spilling onto the tabletop.

4:01
N.O. has noted that my water is rapidly cooling. I search for the powdered milk. Added successfully.

4:02
I am using a half-cup measuring device to measure the bread flour. I have deduced that I will need six scoops to equal 3 cups.

4:03
I have run out of bread flour after 2 cups and will supplement with regular flour. I hope this still works.

4:04
2 tablespoons of yeast. 2 TEASPOONS of yeast. Triple checking...close call. He's still using the coffee scoop.

4:05
Dough preparation complete. I have turned on the dough cycle of the bread machine.

5:23
I preheat the oven to 525. (We have started cooking our pizza more quickly at a higher temperature on the recommendation of J's brother and his wife.) I will now begin to prepare the sauce.

5:25
Can't find the recipe for the sauce. Digging through the unorganized mess of cards again.

5:26
Found yet another recipe for pizza dough but none for sauce. I have decided to search the internet for a recipe instead.

5:29
Found plenty of recipes on the internet, but they call for lots of ingredients we don't have. Also, how can tomato sauce be an ingredient for tomato sauce? The only jar of "tomato sauce" we have (which is actually "tomato basil sauce" looks like it should go on pasta and comes in 24 (not 15) ounces. I think I've found a good recipe though. I will be using tomato PASTE.

N.O. has returned as stenographer.

5:31
I am attempting to find an appropriate mixing vessel, of which a colander is not. Not seeing any silver bowls of the right size, I'm looking at Tupperware, none of which seems to be the right size. (Purely eyeballing all of this.) My emotions are conflicted. I use one of the Tupperwares he bypassed, or a normal cereal bowl. I'm going to try to mix them together in a 42 oz Gladware.

5:33
Three unsuccessful attempts to use the electric can opener. I now search for the manual one.

5:34
I can't find the manual can opener. I think the N.O. threw it out. Incorrect. There are two in there.

5:35
Successful on the fifth attempt with the electric can opener, except that there are bits of label in the sauce, er, paste. The bread machine is beeping at me and I'm not ready for it yet. My feelings are: anxious. I'm also not sure how much tomato paste I'm using, 6 or 8 oz. And I buzzed off the part of the label that tells me how many oz are in the can. Feeling more anxious

5:36
My dough has risen beautifully! He sounds surprised. A triumph!

5:37
I am now filling up the Pyrex with 1 1/2 cups of HOT (cast sidelong glance at N.O.) water for the sauce. I am wondering whether I ought to be stirring with a wooden spoon or a tablespoon. Would that make it more official? <consults recipe>

5:39
The oven has preheated. My anxiety increases. I've added the olive oil and am having trouble locating the garlic.

5:40
N.O. steps in to inform that the last of the minced garlic in the fridge was used earlier in the day. Consult the pantry for more.

5:41
Had trouble finding how much minced garlic equals two cloves. Also, this garlic is packed in olive oil. Should I siphon off some of what I already added? This is going to be extremely garlicky sauce. I'm not sure that whoever invented this recipe was planning on kissing anybody afterwards. I will put some back. This was a very wise move, whether or not I kiss him afterwards. I am immediately refrigerating after opening.

5:43
"Salt to taste. Pepper to taste." <long pause> I have given both shakers a pat on the butt. I have now salted and peppered to taste.

5:44
"1/2 T of dried oregano. 1/2 T of dried basil." I am out of clean tablespoons. I have rescued a dirty tablespoon from the dishwasher and am cleaning it by hand. I don't have a half tablespoon measure. Shoot. 3 teaspoons equals 1 tablespoon. If I trust the metric math written on the spoons, 1/2 T equals 7 1/2 ml, or 1 1/2 teaspoons. I gotta give him some credit there. Impressive.

5:46
This is taking a long time. If there are many more ingredients I will just do them "to taste." I"m not sure the right lids ended up on the right spices.

5:47
The spoon fell in the Tupperware and is now slimy. "1/2 t dried rosemary, crushed." I'm having trouble finding the rosemary. I am surprised. Not sure how I"m supposed to crush it any further. I'm pinching it very hard as I put it in.

5:49
I will now stir this all together. I wonder if I can put a lid on it and shake it like when I make pudding. There are way too many spices in here.

This looks way too runny to be sauce...I can't believe that recipe really called for 1/3 c of olive oil. Gross.

5:51
I am trying the sauce.

5:52
<rinses mouth out over sink and clears throat> I am now googling recipes for white pizza.

5:54
I have sprayed the pizza pan with olive oil and am now spreading the dough. N.O. has urged me, urgently, to put flour on my hands and on the dough. N.O. has also given me a spreading lesson, which apparently is very different than kneading. It is not spreading particularly well.

I am biting my lips. This is possibly salvageable, but it needs experienced hands.

5:56
I will try more flour.

5:57
"Stop laughing."

Raw footage

5:59
"Oh, PLEASE, can't I help you?!?"  I'm now googling how to spread pizza dough on the pan. Oh wait! Rolling pin!

6:00
I have remembered that we own a rolling pin. I am rolling out the dough. N.O. has stopped laughing so hard that she is crying. True. My pizza dough is in the shape of Europe.

6:01
I'm having much better success with the rolling pin and will now finesse the edges by hand.

6:02
I declare this good enough. I can't remember where I immediately refrigerated the garlic. I know I'm the one what put this away like five minutes ago (actually, it was twenty). This pizza is in danger of being extremely garlicky once again. 

6:03
I have now coated the dough with garlic oil "to taste". I have re-refrigerated the minced garlic immediately.

6:04
I am coating the pizza with mozzarella cheese. I am hoping that copious amounts of cheese covers a multitude of sins. I am asking N.O. if she thinks that's enough cheese. She does.

6:06
In a moment of culinary inspiration, I am shredding a bit of parmesan cheese on top...parmesan cheese is moldy. I'm throwing it out.

6:06
I am baking the pizza for 8 minutes at 525 degrees, <blast of oven air> which is really hot. Whew!

6:07
I'm cleaning up, which involves putting the bread machine and spices away. And flushing the sauce down the toilet.

6:08
I forgot that the spoon had slipped into the sauce container. I am now washing my hands very thoroughly. Also, I'm very glad that I cleaned the toilet earlier today.

6:14
The timer has rung! <opens oven> Whoa. It's ready. The moment is come...

CODA:
Neutral Observer here. After reading and hearing the numerous past tales of pizza-making woe, I agreed to witness this attempt, and was happy to serve as stenographer during some of the stickier moments. I learned a few things today, which I shall now succinctly summarize:

1. I thought that anybody could cook or bake just by following a recipe. I don't think this anymore. Some kind of additional technique is involved at just about every step, which I guess some people have more naturally than others.

2. The chef here was up against some pretty weighty obstacles, including not having enough bread flour (a key component that has compromised some of my bread machine dough in the past), and this, quite honestly, crappy sauce recipe. But how could he have known that close to 2 cups of liquid added to 6 oz of tomato paste is never going to yield anything more than herbal soup?

3. The chef tries really hard. None of this was exaggerated or stretched for comedic effect.

4. In spite of the dough-stretching and "coating" exercises, the pizza actually tasted pretty good. The dough had a nice texture and the cheese melted evenly over the top. There were a few bites that were just about all garlic, but these could be overlooked for the sake of what can easily be called the greatest triumph of the chef's endeavors. He shall be kissed tonight (if he desires) for his efforts and improvement.

Now! On to the dishes!