Owenisms

 Owen: "Do you know why Mom wanted to have lots of boys?"

Me: "Who told you she wanted to have lots of boys?"

Owen: "Well, she has three sons."

Me: "Right, but that isn't exactly the sort of thing that you get to decide."

Owen: "Yes, but she HAD three boys. And do you know why she wanted them?"

Me: "Why is that?"

Owen: "It's so when--and I'm not saying that I WANT this to happen--I'm just saying that when you die, we can remind her of you."

-------------------------------------

Owen lost another tooth, and the tooth fairy didn't come the first night. Sometimes the tooth fairy just wants to go to bed at 7:45 once the kids are in bed and listening to the Amerks game on their radio. That being said, it isn't unusual to wake up at 1:30 in the morning and find that the kids all fell asleep with the radio on. 

The tooth fairy didn't come the second night, either. Owen grew concerned. We told him that maybe the tooth fairy doesn't work weekends.

I snuck two quarters into the pocket of my pajamas and crept into their room at 10:30 PM on the third night. Half of the problem with this tooth fairy business is finding where the old tooth is. We give them a plastic baggie and tell them to put it under their pillow, they usually don't sleep in traditional arrangements. (Under blankets with their heads on a pillow.) We find them on the floor, or in each other's beds, tucked into the pillowcase like it's a sleeping bag. Or without any blankets but under a few dozen stuffed animals. Or on top of three pillows from the couch that they aren't supposed to take upstairs.

I started with Owen's bed pillow. It was abandoned at the edge of the bed, and the pillowcase had been plucked off. Nothing underneath. Then I crept to the other end of the bed. One of Felix's pillows was there, but it also had no tooth underneath. I could tell Owen was in the middle of the bunk, so I crept over to where he was. Was his head on a pillow?

I tried to find his which end of the blanket his head was sticking out of. I found his head, and his eyes were wide open. Without blinking or moving he remarked to me, "I was thinking about Spanish. Especially the word 'interesante!

Owen the Entrepreneur

 

Page One
January 13th, 2022
To Whom it May Concern:
Hello, my name is Owen Smith. I'm 7 years old. Would it be okay if I make some color-by-number sheets of the NFL logos and sell them for 50 cents each? We are going to Hershey Park this summer and I need to raise money. I've also always wanted a business of my own. (Next page)

(2nd page)
I've also seen many people do color-by-numbers and love them. Sincerely, Owen Smith
(address)

National Football League
345 Park Avenue, 7th Floor
New York, NY 10154
Attn: Copyright Permission

James and Owen at the Bank

 When I was six years old my parents opened a Junior Savings account for me at the M&T Bank in Oakfield that was next door to my Dad's new photography studio. Not the studio that they built, but the old redbrick storefront on the other side of town. The studio and the bank shared a parking lot, and my Mom took me over one morning to deposit my savings. I kept about $3 in that account for most of my childhood and it was still active when we applied for our mortgage back in 2014.

All three of the boys did very well for themselves with Christmas cash this year (they have generous great grandparents) and I decided it was time for them to open their own accounts, mostly because I couldn't stand to help them keep track of the cash in the house any longer. James immediately put his cash in his Eagles wallet, the location of which he intelligently keeps a secret from Owen. 

Owen kept his money in a ziploc bag and counted it daily. Owen has had several piggy banks, including a T-Rex piggy, but it's hard for anything to survive very long in his room. Owen talked about his money often, making big plans about how he was going to spend it at Hershey Park, or perhaps on a LEGO set, and then definitely on a set of plastic football guys like the ones James has, and then definitely on 20 boxes of tic-tacs. 

Owen also tried to make a number of dubious "trades" with Felix, who doesn't understand that the different denominations of bills are different dollar amounts. We made them nullify the trade where Owen gave Felix 9 $1 bills in exchange for Felix's $20, $10, and $5. (Felix, of course, thought that he had given Owen "three dollars.")

But perhaps the biggest driver for getting the money deposited was Felix, who regularly carried his bills around downstairs (perhaps, understandably, to keep them away from Owen) and then left them lying around on the library floor under stacks of half cut-up art projects and toddler detritus. He would forget where they were, freak out until we found them, carry them around again, set them down, and the process would repeat itself. We needed to get the money out of the house.

J was having coffee with a mom friend that morning and had brought Felix along. I came to a good stopping point in school with the older two and got them into their coats and masks.

"Now boys," I said "this is your first time riding in my new car. It's going to be fun. But I'm going to ask you please, PLEASE do not smudge up the windows or put muddy feet all over the seats. I know that all of these things are going to happen eventually, and that's fine. But just for a little bit can we try to keep the car clean so that we can enjoy having it new?"

"Yup!"

"Owen, I'm looking at you."

"I SAID yes."

"You also said yes when I asked you about the same thing with the rental car."

"Right."

"And do you remember how you wiped your muddy feet all over the seats, and how you opened up the car door really hard into the side of the house, and how you scratched the car because you were trying to eat ice off of the side of it."

"Right. I won't get muddy feet on the seats."

SIDE NOTE: I have a new car. The Corolla is gone, and I'm now driving at 2017 Honda Fit. I can't bring myself to write about it yet, but let's just say that as a result of an accident in which all parties (police, insurance, other driver) all agree I was 0% at fault I've still somehow ended up buying or paying for major repairs on 4 separate automobiles in the last month.)

We stepped outside, and Owen immediately ran to the muddy patch in the yard to step in it and crunch snow into it.

"Owen, is that the best idea if you're going to try to not get muddy footprints on the car?"

"Right! Okay, I'll remember not to put my feet on the seats."

We drove to the bank down the road. Owen asked whether we thought he ought to have a motto or not. He also complained to me that James was telling him Canada was a make-believe country. James denies this.

We arrived at the bank and headed in, then headed right back out because Owen had somehow lost his mask between the car and the bank door. (It was in the car.)

We met with a kind man named Justin to open the boy's accounts. 

Justin: So...do you boys have the day off of school today? (It was a Thursday at 11 in the morning)

James: (not making eye contact and mumbling unintelligibly into his mask) We're homeschooled.

Owen: Excuse me, can I ask some questions?

Justin: Uh, sure. What are your questions?

Owen: Can you count my money?

Me: Owen, we can count your money here before we deposit it.

Justin: No, it's fine. Let me show you how I count it. (He organizes the bills from largest to smallest and rapidly counts them out.) You have $72.47.

Owen: I think you're wrong. Count it again.

Me: Owen, you'll need to ask more politely. And he's not wrong, I watched him count it.

Justin: It's fine. Here, watch me count it again. (Counts out $72.47 again.) Yup, it's $72.47. How much did you think you had?

Owen: I had $74. Probably somebody stole some. But my target is to get $100.

Justin: Well, maybe you can get to $100 if you can earn money?

Owen: Yeah, I'll need 26 more dollars. Hey Dad, are there any jobs I can do for money? Like cleaning my room?

Me: I'm not going to pay you to clean your room.

Owen: What if I do the dishes?

Me: Those are the sorts of jobs you have to do for free just because you're in our family.

Owen: Yeah, I'll probably just go ask Ms. Nicole for $26. (to Justin) Hey, are you going to put my money in a box?

Justin: We'll deposit your money in a special big box we have called a bank vault.

James: (mumbling inaudibly) I don't want to surrender my money.

Owen: Cool! Can I go into the vault?

Justin: No, we can't just let anyone into the vault.

Owen: Are you going to pay me money to keep it in the vault?

Justin: I wish it was more, but you will get a few pennies of interest every year for keeping your money in the bank.

Owen: I was thinking that it should be more like ten dollars. Can you do that?

We wrapped up shortly thereafter and said thanks to Justin (Owen effusively, James awkwardly and looking away), and then went back to my new car, with Owen stopping to step in snow along the way.

About a block down the road:

"Hey Dad, don't be angry, but I forgot about not putting my feet on the seats. Don't worry, though. There's not TOO much mud!"

Bonus Felix story:

Felix received a bounty of art supplies for Christmas...a crafting kit, pencils, crayons, scissors, and a whole ream of his own blank printer paper. (We're trying to stop him from stealing the paper out of our printer.) The other night he was sitting at the table drawing with his pencil. He put his left hand down on the paper and painstakingly traced it out. "I drew my hand!" He switched the pencil to his left hand, shifted the paper, and awkwardly traced his right hand on the other side of the paper. "I drew my other hand." He then sat up a bit in his chair, looked down, and shifted down again. He moved the pencil from one hand to the other, tried to scooch closer to the table, then looked up. "How am I going to be able to draw my penis?"

Bonus Owen story:

"Hey, who's this guy on my $10 bill?" 

"That's Alexander Hamilton. Do you know who that is?"

"Hey, yeah, I do! He's the guy who wanted everyone to be counted when Jesus was born!"

2021 Reading

 

2021 Reading

January

Basket Case (Carl Hiaasen)

Watership Down (Richard Adams)

The Eyes of the Heart (Frederik Buechner)

Odyssey Book 5 (Homer) in Greek

L’Appart (David Leibowitz)

Plan B (Jonathan Tropper)

Argonautica (Apollonius) in English

A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Shakespeare)

How (Not) to be Secular (James K.A. Smith)

My Year with Eleanor (Noelle Hancock)

The Wife Between Us (Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen)

La Chute (Albert Camus) in French

Christ, the Heart of Creation (Rowan Williams)

Odyssey, Book 6 (Homer) in Greek

Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoevsky)

Nature Girl (Carl Hiaasen)

War on Peace (Ronan Farrow)

A Promised Land (Barack Obama)

February

Odyssey Book 7 (Homer) in Greek

This is Going to Hurt (Adam Kay)

You Are Not Alone (Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen)

Metamorphoses Book 3 (Ovid) in Latin

Of Mice and Men (John Steinbeck)

Infinite Jest (David Foster Wallace)

The Song of Achilles (Madeline Miller)

The Silence of the Lambs (Thomas Harris)

Native Tongue (Carl Hiaasen)

Rage (Bob Woodward)

The God Problem (Robert Wuthnow)

The Hobbit (J.R.R. Tolkein)

Troilus and Cressida (Shakespeare)

Lord of the Flies (William Golding)

 

March

No Longer Strangers (Greg Coles)

Le Jeu de l’Amour et du Hasard (Pierre de Marivaux) in French

Odyssey Book 8 (Homer) in Greek

The Idea of the Holy (Rudolf Otto)

Daddy-Long-Legs (Jean Webster)

Villages (John Updike)

Barchester Towers (Anthony Trollope)

Preface to Plato (Eric Havelock)

Wine Girl (Victoria James)

Icebound (Andrea Pitzer)

East of Eden (John Steinbeck)

The Case Against Education (Bryan Caplan)

The Jedi Doth Return (Ian Doescher)

The Ditch (Hermann Koch)

Everyday Drinking (Kingsley Amis)

The Deep Dark Descending (Allen Eskens)

The Finish (Mark Bowden)

Eiger Dreams (Jon Krakauer)

Lethal Passage (Erik Larson)

Moo (Jane Smiley)

Surprised by Scripture (N.T. Wright)

 

April

The Well Trained Mind (Susan Wise Bauer)

Counterpoint (Philip Kennicott)

The Moth and the Mountain (Ed Caesar)

Something Happened (Joseph Heller)

Three Cups of Deceit (Jon Krakauer)

Shameless (Nadia Bolz-Webber)

Odyssey Book 9 (Homer) in Greek

Metamorphoses Book 4 (Ovid) in Latin

One by One (Ruth Ware)

Squeeze Me (Carl Hiaasen)

K2, the Savage Mountain (Charles Snead Houston and Robert Bates)

The Language Instinct (Steven Pinker)

The Witches of Eastwick (John Updike)

Living with a Dead Language (Ann Patty)

The Alphabet of Grace (Buechner)

Sick Puppy (Carl Hiaasen)

The Great Gilly Hopkins (Katherine Paterson)

Classic Krakauer (Jon Krakauer)

What Einstein Told His Cook (Robert Wolke)

The Bonfire of the Vanities (Tom Wolfe)

Invictus (John Carlin)

Bridge to Terabithia (Katherine Paterson)

 

May

The Wednesday Wars (Gary D. Schmidt)

Natural Born Heroes (Christopher McDougall)

Now and Then (Joseph Heller)

No Fond Return of Love (Barbara Pym)

Troubled Blood (Robert Galbraith)

Music in the Castle of Heaven (John Eliot Gardiner)

Under a Flaming Sky (Daniel Brown)

Peak (Anders Ericsson and Robert Pool)

The Master of Disguise (Tony Mendez)

Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)

The Queen’s Gambit (Walter Tevis)

The Other Side of Everest (Matt Dickinson)

Le Voyage de Monsieur Perrichon (Eugene Marin Labiche and Edouard Martin) in French

The Godfather (Mario Puzo)

Sooley (John Grisham)

K2 (Ed Visteurs)

Let Me Tell You What I Mean (Joan Didion)

The Making of Biblical Womanhood (Beth Allison Barr)

 

June

Stormy Weather (Carl Hiaasen)

Odyssey Book 10 (Homer) in Greek

Pacific Crucible (Ian Toll)

Tourist Season (Carl Hiaasen)

Annapurna (Maurice Herzog)

All Creatures Great and Small (James Heriot)

Educated (Tara Westover)

A Breviary of Sin (Cornelius Plantinga)

Nomadland (Jessica Bruder)

The Cuckoo’s Calling (Robert Galbraith)

Jesus and John Wayne (Kristin Kobes du Mez)

The Maidens (Alex Michaelides)

The Conquering Tide (Ian Toll)

Holes (Louis Sachar)

All Things Bright and Beautiful (James Heriot)

Twilight of the Gods (Ian Toll)

 

July

The Silkworm (Robert Galbraith)

If You Lived Here You’d be Home By Now (Christopher Ingraham)

Musicophilia (Oliver Sacks)

Babette’s Feast (Isak Dinesen)

Career of Evil (Robert Galbraith)

Lethal White (Robert Galbraith)

Like Water for Chocolate (Laura Esquivel)

Kata Loukan in Greek

Death March; The Survivors of Bataan (Donald Knox)

The Princess Spy (Larry Loftis)

Metamorphoses Book 5 (Ovid) in Latin

Lovely War (Julie Berry)

A Delicate Truth (John LeCarre)

All Things Wise and Wonderful (James Herriot)

Espistles of Ignatius (in English)

This is Your Life (Meg Wolitzer)

Goddesses, Whores, Wives, and Slaves (Sarah B. Pomeroy)

The Ingenious Language (Andrea Marcolongo)

Agricola (Tacitus) in Latin

Savage Summit (Jennifer Jordan)

Mythos (Stephen Fry)

Dance of the Reptiles (Carl Hiaasen)

A Walk in the Woods (Bill Bryson)

Three Many Cooks (Maggy Keet, Pam Anderson, Sharon Damelio)

 

August

Stephen Fry in America (Stephen Fry)

The Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkein)

The Lord God Made Them All (James Herriot)

The Two Towers (J.R.R. Tolkein)

The Dig (John Preston)

The Return of the King (J.R.R. Tolkein)

The Premonition (Michael Lewis)

Complications (Atul Gawande)

The Burning (Tim Madigan)

You Are What You Love (James K.A. Smith)

Next: The Future Just Happened (Michael Lewis)

The Parthenon Enigma (Joan Breton Connelly)

Belinda, a Screenplay (Martha Smith)

Homer’s Daughter (Robert Graves)

Six Frigates (Ian Toll)

The Bomber Mafia (Malcolm Gladwell)

 

September

The Four Winds (Kristen Hannah)

Project Hail Mary (Andy Weir)

Daughters of Sparta (Claire Heywood)

Freedom (Sebastian Junger)

Come As You Are (Emily Nagoski)

Shape (Jordan Ellenberg)

Flyboys (James Bradley)

Young Men and Fire (Norman Maclean)

Odyssey Book 11 (Homer) in Greek

Count Belisarius (Robert Graves)

Everest the Cruel Way (Joe Tasker)

Drinking French (David Leibovitz)

A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Shakespeare)

Persuasion (Jane Austen)

Blue Bottle Craft Coffee (Caitlin Freeman, James Freeman, Tara Duggan)

 

October

High Crimes (Michael Kodas)

Titan (Ron Chernow)

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (John LeCarre)

Lucky You (Carl Hiaasen)

All the President’s Men (Woodward/Bernstein)

The Story of the Bayeux Tapestry (David Musgrove, Michael Lewis)

Odyssey Book 12 (Homer) in Greek

Devil in the Grove (Gilbert King)

Home Game (Michael Lewis)

Facing the Mountain (Daniel Brown)

In Eutropium (Claudiun) in Latin

The Killing of Osama Bin Laden (Mark Bowden)

Denali’s Howl (Andy Hall)

The Righteous Mind (Jonathan Haidt)

Candide (Voltaire)

Cover-Up (Seymour Hersh)

 

November

Harry Potter et la Chambre des Secrets (Rowling) in French

Argo (Antonio Mendez)

Skin Tight (Carl Hiaasen)

Odyssey Book 13 (Homer) in Greek

Team of Rivals (Doris Kearns Goodwin)

Code Warriors (Stephen Budiansky)

Noise (Daniel Kahneman)

Chain of Command (Seymour Hersh)

Bringing the Heat (Mark Bowden)

Killing Pablo (Mark Bowden)

Coach (Michael Lewis)

John LeCarre-The Biography (Adam Sisman)

Belzhar (Meg Wolitzer)

The Utopia of Rules (David Graeber)

Sleepwalking (Meg Wolitzer)

 

December

Worm (Mark Bowden)

The Best Game Ever (Mark Bowden)

Cup of Gold (John Steinbeck)

Silverview (John LeCarre)

The Secret Sharer (Joseph Conrad)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (J.K. Rowling)

The Judge’s List (John Grisham)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (J.K. Rowling)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (J.K. Rowling)

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (J.K. Rowling)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (J.K. Rowling)

Out of the Silent Planet (C.S. Lewis)

Congo (Michael Crichton)

Perelanda (C.S. Lewis)

Sweet Thursday (John Steinbeck)

Liber Iob (St. Jerome) in Latin

After You Believe (N.T. Wright)

Odyssey, book 14 (Homer) in Greek

Beowulf (trans. J.R.R. Tolkein) in modern English

Finders Keepers (Mark Bowden)

Hymnal head swap

 I've been spending a lot of time in the hymnal today working on Advent music for my church. One of the mysteries of my childhood (like why are there sometimes extra digits after the zipcode on mail, or why do composers sometimes use an f double-sharp instead of writing g natural), was what the dotted numbers at the bottom of the hymnal mean. If you've never looked it up, it's a guide to the metrical feet in each hymn.

For example, Hyfrydol (which sounds like a skin rash that you can only contract in Cardiff) is 8.7.8.7.

(1)come (2)thou (3)long (4)ex(5)pec(6)ted(7)je(8)sus

(1)born (2)to (3)set (4)thy (5)peo (6)ple (7)free

(1)from (2)our (3)fears (4) and (5)sins (6)re (7)lease (8)us

(1)let (2)us (3)find (4)our (5)rest (6)in (7) thee

Once I figured this out, I naturally wanted to pull all the old hymns apart and put them together again in funny ways. So, once you know that Hyfrydol is 7.8.7.8, you realize that you can sing the text of Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus to the tune of Abbot's Leigh (which sounds like a venereal disease you can only contract in a monastery), which usually has the text "Glorious Things of Thee Are Spoken).

Similarly, the hymn tune Aberystwyth (which looks like the sort of thing that a toddler would text to your boss when they walk off with your phone) is 7.7.7.7, so the words "Watchman, Tell Us of the Night" can be sung to the tune we usually associate with "Come, Ye Thankful People Come."

Away in a Manger 11.11.11.11 already has two common settings, but it can be sung to the tune of Immortal, Invisible. (St. Denio, the patron saint of gambling in Atlantic City and wearing size XXL polo shirts)

Angels We Have Heard on High can be sung to "Jesus Loves Me." (Hymn tune name: "Jesus Loves Me")

Joy to the World can almost, but not quite, be sung to Amazing Grace. If I were to every to program it that way I'd probably have it sung to the Amazing Grace tune up until heaven and nature start singing, and then switch to the old tune.

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear (Hymn Tune Carol, which sounds like a secretary from HR who is always in a bad mood) can be sung to I Sing the Mighty Power of God (Ellacombe, which sounds like part of a balanced breakfast.)

Once In Royal David's City (Irby, which sounds like a place where you get a roast beef sandwich in Minnesota) can be sung to Open Now the Gates of Beauty

Angels From the Realms of Glory can be sung to the tune of Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence.

Fun bonus list of funny hymn tune names:

Wedlock

Crashing Waters

El Camino

Feed Us (This is the official hymn tune of our boys)

Hankey

Jonathan's Tune

Laying Down (This is the official hymn tune of the parents)

Mystic Bamboo Song

Redhead 76

Updates

Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" interrupted the Latin conversation I was having with my surgeon as he cut into my scrotum.

"What radio station is this?" I asked in English.

"I like to work to 80s rock. This song comes on the channel from time to time."

He had, as it turned out, two degrees in Latin before his medical degree. The nurse had warned me beforehand that there would be 80s music. She was oppressively chipper, going so far as to ask me whether I was excited before the procedure started. 

"No, I'm pretty nervous, actually. I'm having my balls cut open."

"You'll be fine. It's a great day to have your vas deferens tied!" (Beaming smile)

I debated whether or not I was going to post about this publicly. I am alone on the couch with tylenol, a stack of books, and all day to kill. I decided my vasectomy was worth recording for posterity. (Note--I can't make any more posterities now than the three I've already fathered.)

I wasn't even planning to be off work today. When I called to schedule the procedure back in July there was only one remaining date for the calendar year (which, given how much we'd already spent down on our deductible encouraged us to have this taken care of in 2020), and it was smack in the middle of a busy week with the symphony. I asked ahead of time whether I was going to be able to go to work the next day, and was assured that I was fine as long as it didn't involve any heavy lifting.

Then, once I was already on the table, the surgeon found out that I was a trumpet player.

"Nope. Absolutely not. You'll give yourself a scrotal hematoma, and you'll have to deal with that for three months. You aren't playing the trumpet for at least three days."

So I am at home on the couch instead of at work. I'm very glad I'm not at work. Playing the trumpet would have been very uncomfortable even without the hematoma risk. Instead I'll spend the day with my three boys. Three, and that's final.

James is busy today looking for his missing Professor Flitwick LEGO figure, and also preparing for his 8th Title Bowl. The Title Bowl is his imaginary version of the Super Bowl. He plays elaborate fake football games on his bedsheets with his set of 32 plastic football helmets and a LEGO football (and LEGO uprights.) He has a tournament, a championship trophy (The Ann Davis trophy, after his deceased great-grandmother), and a bank of obscure statistics that pertain only to his own imaginary league. He has no sense of how little everyone else in the family is interested in the fictional league compared to his own emotional investment. His greatest regret at this point is that he can't video tape the games that he plays during nap so that we can all watch the "highlights" together.

Owen has completed his best ever week of school. He got the equivalent of a GameBoy for his birthday, and he isn't allowed to play it until all of his school is done, and done well. We really debated whether we should do this or not, but it's a guaranteed hour of quiet every day--and it's a guarantee that he is hard at work at school as soon as he is up in the morning. 

Felix is now literate enough to write his own letters, and he arguably has the best handwriting (and maybe spelling) out of all three boys. He is, granted, pretty slow, but he makes all his letters from top to bottom and takes the time to make sure that everything is legible. He also wants Owen to be done with school as quickly as possible, because then he has the unspeakable pleasure of WATCHING Owen play video games. (So far this delicate balance is stable.) He wrote a letter to Ivy Hamway today (who is turning two) suggesting that she is old enough to be potty-trained. (He's kind of a hypocrite)

They have largely respected my space as I've camped out on the couch. (Felix was doing some jumping up and down next to me for a bit until J ushered him away) It is definitely good to be done making these boys. But we made three good ones.

Minor League Football

 James and I agree that there ought to be a minor league football system, like AAA baseball or the AHL. He is fascinated by the system of farm teams that the Amerks and the Red Wings are a part of and has asked for the names of each team in those leagues. We decided that we would both take our best shot at what we thought an NFL minor league ought to look like, and this was what we (separately) came up with:

Dad's Minor League Football

Toronto Moose (BUF)

Puerto Rico Swordfish (MIA)

Newark Pilots (NYJ)

Providence Minutemen (NE)

Dover Hawks (BAL)

Morgantown Smelters (PIT)

Columbus Dogs (CLE)

Louisville Lions (CIN)

Memphis Olympians (TEN)

St. Louis Stallions (IND)

Charleston Cheetahs (JAX)

Austin Longhorns (HOU)

Salt Lake City Pirates (LVR)

San Diego Volts (LAC)

Colorado Springs Buckaroos (DEN)

Oklahoma City Braves (KC)

San Antonio Stars (DAL)

Scranton Kestrels (PHI)

Virginia Beach Football Team (WAS)

Long Island Heroes (NYG)

Omaha Blizzard (MIN)

Grand Rapids Cougars (DET)

Des Moines Grizzlies (CHI)

Milwaukee Cheese (GB)

Orlando Privateers (TB)

Birmingham Generals (ATL)

Raleigh Bobcats (CAR)

Biloxi Hurricanes (NO)

San Jose Pioneers (SF)

Portland Storm (SEA)

Santa Barbara Sharks (LAR)

Albuquerque Scorpions (ARZ)

JAMES' LEAGUE

Washington Wings (BAL) (Owen's suggestion)

Dover Stars (PIT) Also Owen's suggestion, James wanted the "Materials"

Columbus Blacks (CLE)

Cleveland Siberians (CIN) Siberian Tigers--they would have the Bengals' helmet, but all white

Baltimore Horseshoes (IND)

Austin Bulls (HOU)

Tallahassee Sickles (TEN) Named after the sickle that the Titan Cronos used against Ouranos

Atlanta Speeders (JAX)

Rochester Bisons (BUF)

Boston Cheetahs (NE) "Cheet-ahs." Get it?

New Jersey Missiles (NYJ)

Birmingham Sharks (MIA)

Topeka Arrows (KC)

Oakland Armor (LVR)

San Diego Bolts (LAC)

Colorado Springs Horses (DEN)

Milwaukee Cheese (GB)

Chicago Kings (DET)

St. Paul Purple Team (MIN) James named this in honor of Abby, because she couldn't remember the Viking's name once and kept calling them the purple team

Springfield Grizzlies (CHI)

Orlando Pirates (TB)

Baton Rouge Bananas (NO) Because, as Felix points, the Saint's logo looks like a banana peel

Illinois Big Cats (CAR) Owen's suggestion

Raleigh Devils (ATL)

Harrisburg Flys (PHI) James insists on the spelling. Not the bug flies, but "fly"

Baltimore Football Team (WAS)

Houston Cowgirls (DAL)

New Jersey Stink Bugs (NYG)

Salt Lake City Sheep (LAR)

Sacramento Silver (SF)

Phoenix Reds (ARZ)

Olympia Sea Gulls (SEA)